Little lady, what’s your hurry?
Up the road in such a scurry.
Never you mind,
I will get there on time,
so please, you need not worry.
I’m off to church, my faith to search,
I could do this every day.
So here I go and as you know,
tomorrow I’ll be back this way.
That day I made my way over to where he stood, a place where our dialogue did not require words.
His leg braced his posture while he watched the shoreline lap, his boat sits on a harbor of illusion until the ripples break away its silhouette.
Our eyes to the horizon with the evening sky blushing back at us,
We agreed to just watch, agreed to just be there together…
That day.
I live, I breathe, but only to exist.
My inner voice holding my hand,
The silence from others is loud.
Shouting quiet words to myself.
Whispers catch in the static, going forever unheard.
Life chases my soul to the finish line,
Pieces keep falling away…
catch them.
Yesterday was “me Wednesday”, the sun was shining, March was upon us and I saw a person with what I thought was dirt on their face. Actually, yesterday marked the first day of Lent (pun intended) where many people around the world went to mass. Specifically, Christians attend mass and receive ashes of burnt palm branches on their forehead in the shape of a cross to symbolize repentance and confess their sins. Ok, I googled that, (sorry God) but once I realized that yesterday was Ash Wednesday, it did get me thinking about how Church was a big part of my life at one point which in turn made me think of my grandmother who was the primary reason it was.
I know for a fact she wouldn’t be too happy to hear that I have drifted away from religion so much over the years. As I thought about it more, I wondered if faith was a void in my life, am I missing it? I ask that question from time to time, I think a lot of people do. Life is full of moments where it’s just us alone with our inner voice that guides us through the peaks and valleys. I’m Catholic, I was taught religion growing up but once I left school and moved away from my hometown, I strayed from the flock as it were. I still believe don’t get me wrong, it’s just my opinion on religion can vary sometimes along with my faith. Faith is a very strong thing to have, it can help you through some of the worst times and can give you hope when you need it the most. We need something to call upon when life challenges us, it gives us something to hold on to when we are at our weakest, and provides comfort in times of doubt.
People find faith in so many different things traditional and non-traditional, it’s up to us, we can believe in other things that don’t have to be contingent on being some sort of higher power. Quite frankly, we can choose to believe in nothing at all, those who feel no need to place their “faith” in anything other than themselves carry on just as fine as someone who practices religion. Ultimately, we all need to show acceptance and tolerance to religious differences, our world still needs work when it comes to loving thy neighbor. No matter where I look, there seems to be conflict, people hurting others over the color of their skin, the language they speak or religion they practice. The big picture, we differ from far more reasons than I just mentioned but we fail to see the one constant that remains in each of us which is the most important and that is, we’re all human beings.
I’m lonely now,
Because time pushes me further away.
I would go back if you’d meet me there;
By your side one last time.
Hold on, hold.
As the breeze blows I feel;
I think of you.
A warm breeze, it’s familiar;
The wind is something I remember.
Loved one, gone.
Impossible to lose the memories of
their touch, it’s familiar.
Their embrace is something I remember.
I’ve been nursing a real bad neck as of late, I have no idea what might have caused it, all I know is that it’s been nagging me for awhile now. It could be the gym, quite possibly from shoveling or maybe it’s the way I slept, something has been causing me to slow turn my head for the past two weeks. I was never one to just tolerate the pain so I have been doing my best to rehab it as much as possible, so far, though, the pain keeps coming back. Over the years I’ve accumulated my share of bumps, bruises, and broken bones but with time I healed and the pain all went away, I always bounced back 100%.
This neck thing does bother me a lot, but I’m still doing everything I normally do, there’s a discomfort but I manage the pain enough to get through it. To aid in my recovery, I’m using the help of the gym, heating lotions, stretching and my doctor has prescribed me some pills too but I only take them when I absolutely need to (not a fan). I have resorted to a more physiotherapy like approach when it comes to my gym workout and I make sure not to overdo it which is important when you are rehabbing any type of injury. Best not to push it and make something worst. If you sit at a desk all week like I do it’s good to take some time during your day to work out your strained muscles, working in front of a monitor can wreak havoc on your posture and can also make an existing injury flare up something fierce. I try to pay attention to how I am sitting to alleviate some discomfort created by slouching or hunching over at my desk which I’m guilty of from time to time. Heat has seemed to provide me with the most relief; I have been using a magic bag and a heat rub to loosen the tight muscles in my neck. When it comes to our bodies, we know ourselves the best and we all respond to treatment differently; some of the things that I have suggested are things that you can try for yourself. I do want to point out that if you are experiencing pain on any level, it’s best to consult a doctor and then with that advice you can start your road to recovery.
Dealing with pain is awful; my stepfather had to live with pain each and every day for about a five year period not long ago. He injured himself on the job and was faced with a future of surgeries, painkillers, and extensive rehab that even then provided no absolute surety that he would get back to his old self. I saw that man who is by far the strongest man I know concede that he was at the mercy of chronic pain and on his darkest day cursed everything and wanted to quit. I earned a lot of respect for people suffering in chronic pain because of the hell my stepdad had to endure during his recovery. Because of his will and the support of the family, he’s completely back to himself today but for awhile there, he was doubtful that he would ever truly be rid of the pain entirely.
Staying healthy is a challenge, we try our best to take care of ourselves but sometimes the unpredictability of life proves that anything can happen. We break and bleed all the time, as far back as our days of bumping into corners and falling off our bikes, we are all too familiar with the feeling of pain. Now that I’m older it’s becoming apparent that I may not fix as easy as I used to, I need to do my part but I also need to accept going to the doctor when something doesn’t feel right. I know people who avoid the hospital at all the time which actually puzzles me, why? Ego? Denial? I can’t answer that question for anyone but myself but I hope my dialog has made you think about how important it is to look after yourself. We have friends and family that love and depend on us so we have to think about them too, they matter and so do you, don’t forget that. My neck got me thinking and this post was just my way of exploring my thought…next time I make a post though I promise it won’t be so much of a Pain in the Ash.
I watched a movie earlier tonight, “Cardboard Boxer”, not bad of a film. It starred Thomas Hayden Church and Terrance Howard, and it focused on the homeless. Watching the main character Thomas Hayden Church fight adversity and survive his way through day to day life on the streets got me thinking. A few nights ago I went for a walk and later wrote about it, I blogged about how cold it was and how much I hated winter. It’s true, I was just “vent writing” and emoting my true frustration with how I felt about the dark days of winter. No question about it, that night was cold, sooo cold, it was bitter and there was snow everywhere I looked. As I walked along my body was in a full contraction from the brisk night air, I couldn’t help but think about how people who live on the streets do it. Imagine having no place to go and having to try to find somewhere warm to sleep every night of your life, not only that you have to feed yourself too.
We witness this all the time, we pass by the usual suspects every day on our lunch breaks that give us their best pitch Monday through Friday to score just a little bit of change. As soon as that interaction of just a quick yes or no is over, you move on with your life. We go back to discussing what plans we have for the weekend or how good our workout was that day, the question of where you were sleeping tonight never entered your thoughts. That night as I walked I thought about it a lot, I was freezing, yes I was wimping out a bit too but I was content knowing I had a warm home to return to. I asked myself what I would do, what would be my gut instinct, could I be capable of the lasting a night like that on the street? Probably not, but it humbled me knowing how fortunate I was and how my problems just don’t seem as important anymore. I look out the window and I see a driveway that needs to be shoveled or I see a hinderance to my morning commute, I can’t appreciate the challenges they must endure each and every day battling mother nature.
The next time you pass by someone who could use some help, do so, give them a chance. Yes, I know, how can you be sure where the money is going? So many questions rush through your mind during that microtransaction, it’s milliseconds, we are quick to judge. We can stand there all day morally debating if we should but we already know the answer to that question. How much do we waste each day on the simplest of pleasures that we enjoy, ask yourself again, can you afford to give? I bet the answer is yes, we just try to find answers for saying no, like we have something to prove. We honestly don’t know where we will find ourselves in life, there are peaks and valleys in every dynamic.
That night made me realize that sometimes I do take life for granted and I do have it good but sometimes I think otherwise. I have a roof over my head, a job that I go to from week to week and a family that love and care for me. Appreciate the fact that you have cable and that the internet exists, a trip to the store takes 5 minutes by car, we got it pretty good. Give of yourself, help out at a soup kitchen, donate your used clothing, do whatever you can because at the end of the day if you give back to the people that need it the most it can slowly become the only change they might need.
I went for a walk last night and boy was it cold, the air was crisp, the snow made crunchy noises under my feet and my face kept seizing up on me, ah winter. Didn’t matter what the temperature was, I determined to get a walk in, it was a beautiful night so I threw on a few layers and took off. I kind of fast walked at first which warmed me a little, then when I passed the point of no return I had no choice but to see it through. As I paced along kicking the scatter chunk of ice I thought, we are nowhere near the end of the winter season and it is really starting to get to me. I’ve lived here on this island for my entire life and you would think by now I would be used to the cold Atlantic Canadian winters but that is by far the polar opposite (pun intended).
Yesterday morning we had 30+ centimeters dumped on us which we all had to wake up to and to add to that, had to do so on Monday morning-gross. Yeah the 5:30 wake-up call from the neighbor’s idling snowblower is always an indication that there was shoveling in my future, it was about to be a “morning”. Feeling robbed already of my weekend I turned over and made a cave with my pillows complete with a tiny hole with a perfect view of the alarm clock. Lying there defeated by mother nature along with a severe case of the Mondays, I started doing the math in my head of the steps between getting out of bed and sitting at my desk. On the verge of facing the harsh reality that I had to move my lazy butt and very close to leaving the sanctuary of bed when all of the sudden, my face started buzzing. It was a call from my co-worker, she was calling to tell me that work had a delayed opening, yes…there is a god. There’s no better feeling than looking outside at winter punching everything in the face and then being told that there’s no work, how old am I again? With the anxiety of white-knuckle traffic and snow drifts lifted off my shoulders I returned to the blanketed abyss because it’s a snow day. Well, it was more like a snow morning but like I said, after losing the weekend and on top of that a Monday morning, I’ll take it. (Ash 1 Winter 0)
Oh yeah, I hate not having sidewalks. (Ash 1 Winter 1)
I was sitting down the other night staring outside my living room window with a drink in my hand and the way it looked outdoors reminded me of what it was like at Christmas time in the small town where I grew up. It was the second time that day that I started to think about home actually, I walked to the store earlier that evening and had the same reminiscent feeling come over me. The snow had just fallen and the street lights had this orange tinge to it, the atmosphere was thought provoking and I began to flashback to another time. As I trudged along I began to think how walking was a huge part of how I celebrated Christmas, one tradition that I really enjoyed was going door to door to have a few drinks and spend time with friends and neighbors. It didn’t matter either what part of the town you lived in for everywhere was within walking distance and there was no need for a drop off or cabs like you have to accommodate for in the big city, nope it was two legs and a heartbeat that got you to where you needed to be.
I had a lot of good ol’ times at Christmas with my friends but one friend in particular was always by my side and that was Willie, he was my best friend and pretty much anything thing that I did, he was always a part of it. Every night during the holidays the phone would ring and it would be Willie wondering if I was ready and if he should leave his house to come down to my grandparents where I lived. I ‘d tell him to get his butt down here and within minutes of hanging up the phone he would come strolling in all decked out in his Christmas best grinning ear to ear in the best of moods, although he knew I was there he always asked anyway – “Is Ash here?”. My grandmother would call out to me and give him the ceremonial “sit down Willie my dear; you’re not a stranger now are ya?” He would then slowly proceed to take a seat at the kitchen table acting like it was his first time he had ever visited; he was always his bashful self when it came to my grandmother. Once I finished getting ready I too also took a seat at kitchen table, “my spot” as it were and all was in now in place. My grandmother, god love her, would already have a pre-purchased six pack stored covertly under her bed for such an occasion, she seemed content when we spent time together and she especially enjoyed the fact that we were there, it was like company for her too. Our nights always started at Nan and Pop’s place and once we felt like moving on my grandmother would make sure we had our hats and mitts (“yes nan we do”) and see us to the door where she would leave us with “stay out of trouble and be careful”.
It took us no time before we were sat at another kitchen table being poured a drink of our choice and being ushered to take off our coats and stay awhile. All the homes were nestled together on the hillside so once we ventured on from one place there would be someone else bellowing from their patios for us to join them; this would go on all night. Yarns were spun and good times were had by all, Christmas spirit was in abundance and no doubt our glasses stay filled the night through. Small town life has a different feel to it; everybody knows who you are and what family you came from and after twenty minute of drilling you with questions regarding your upbringing you could pretty much clue up your family tree in one sitting. There was no traffic in site, the houses had Christmas lights which illuminated the pathways just enough to show us the way. We were always met with a Merry Christmas or a Happy New Year by all whom passed by and we would often pick up a strangler or two nowhere near done with their night of festivities, the more the merrier we’d say. There was a sense of belonging no matter where you went, everyone felt like family and would make sure to offer a spare room or the couch if things got a little too fuzzy.
Every year for many years Willie and I would do this and it was a tradition that we kept alive for much of our young adult lives. When I think back today it makes me feel good that I had to the chance to spend some quality moments with someone who was very near and dear to my heart, someone like Willie. Looking back in hind sight and especially now that he has passed on I’m very thankful that I had gotten the chance to be friends with such a wonderful guy who I miss every day.
Willie was also good friends with my uncles as well, so whenever we were together there was a good chance that one if not all my uncles were there too (I had five). Never a dull moment with them around trust me, they would torment us and call us light weights when it came to drinking and every now and again we would get body slammed into a snow bank for no apparent reason at all. There was no point in retaliation either because it only came back worst then the first time around but it was all in good fun and that was the genuine theme when we were all together was to “have fun”. They ‘re all a good bunch of guys who have created beautiful families of their own and I miss hanging out with them like that, it seems like it was a lifetime ago but the memories are just as vivid as if it had happened only yesterday. Stop and think about that someone that you miss spending time with and if they are still reachable and a part of your life then call them up and go spend time with them, it’s the perfect opportunity this time of year to do it.
As Willie and I got older we migrated from just going door to door to visiting the local watering hole, the “Hook N’ Line”, which at the time was owned by my parents so most nights we’d wind up there. A huge congregation of familiar faces filled the room as we escaped a cold winter’s night; it was like walking into Cheers on TV where everyone knew your name. There was always an energized atmosphere about the place with people laughing, carrying on and a game of pool usually took center stage as people young and old alike would try for bragging rights in an impromptu on the spot Christmas tournament. The pub was all decorated, music was festive, the place was packed to its capacity, a prime opportunity to see some of your old friends and catch up. There were some good times that we had back then at that quaint little bar, for the most part it seemed like the whole community was there all coming together to celebrate the holidays by sharing stories and drinks until the wee hours in the morning only to do it all over again the very next evening.
So the other night as I looked outside it was no different than most nights but for some reason it struck me differently, I was gifted with memories of Christmases past, it was nice. I remember those days fondly and in retrospect I’m grateful to have been asked to be a part of so many peoples’ lives in celebrating Christmas in small town Newfoundland. I was welcomed into their homes to share in their joy which I sometimes miss but we all have to move on which may mean leaving home behind to find a life for ourselves somewhere’s else. No matter where that journey takes us we can always look back, we may not be able to recreate the past but the past is a big part of who we are today and how we continue to celebrate the holidays.
It’s true, we all have loved ones that are no longer with us, for me they include some that I have mentioned in this post. It makes me sad yeah, but it also makes me feel good that I have memories that they will always be a part of, that night while I walked to the store or while I looked from my window might have been a gesture from above that they too are missing me. Just take inventory of what makes you happy and use that to celebrate who you still have in your lives, eat good food and share great stories while keeping their spirits alive and those traditions going. If you feel lonely during the holidays maybe it’s an indication that you need to get back in touch with someone or somewhere, the solution may be just as simple as picking up the phone or knocking on that that door and I bet there’s a friendly face waiting on the other side maybe thinking the very same thing. I leave you with a simple thought that whether it’s a kitchen party, a drink with a best friend or a pub full of friendly faces, the only thing that should be on anyone’s mind during Christmas is “who’s got the next round?”
Cheers
Earth To Ash 
