The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself. – Henry Miller
I went for a walk last night and did something I don’t think I have done in a long time, and that was say…out loud, that “I’m Thankful!” Thankful for seeing another gorgeous sunset. Thankful for the crisp cool air that I was breathing, the sounds of birds in the distance, the hilltops, the shoreline, the waves, the paths I was taking, thankful for my family, my friends, and, most importantly, thankful for being there in the moment. You know what happened when I did that? Well, an overwhelming sense of genuine happiness that’s what. I felt awesome, I really did. I could immediately feel a rush of endorphins running through my veins, my pulse raced, and my lungs filled to capacity. It was truly great to be alive.
Far too many times in my life have I conceded to the bad things that happen to me. Things that go wrong, things I don’t have. Things I think I need or want. Too many times have I allowed those feelings to consume me. But, almost never do I take the time enough to be thankful for what I do have in my life. At least I don’t catch myself doing it as much as I go off on the negative things and allow them to fester and linger. It seems the negative gets way more stage time. So, last night on that brisk stroll, I must have had some sort of awakening, because as I was taking in all that fresh September air with a slight tinge of salt, I realized how being that way was robbing me of my happiness once again. Robbing me of right now. I hate feeling that way, with a passion. Only, when I start to recognize it, I’m already stuck in a glass prism and can’t escape. I become a functional zombie going through the motions forgetting what matters to me, like doing this, like writing.
Most of you have probably noticed how scarce it’s been around here lately. I even got called out a few weeks ago for it by a fellow blogger. It’s true, my posts have been few and far between and a little empty in a sense. Sure, I had intent and purpose when I posted them, but it’s not the Ash you or I are used to. Let’s be honest, I checked out. Don’t worry, I’ve given myself a good going over for it many times and this entry is my sorry to you. Sorry for ghosting a bit. It’s still a crazy 2020, for me at least. A part of me has become shredded with holes from the emotional bullets of traversing a new ever-changing world. Enduring this pandemic has forced me to fight some sort of battle, new ones for sure, almost everyday. It’s exhausting. Most days, I bring a good fight, but, I’m human as well, there have been days where I just wanted to tap out. Usually, when that happens, the only thing that can snap me out of the funk is writing. So far, it’s pulling me from the clouds of doubt. Keep going, Ash.
OK, about now, you’re most likely wanting me to give you the what’s up? Why so grim? What’s the matter? Earth to Ash, where have you been? Well, let’s see, in the last few months, I have lost my job, had to move residences, had a fire at the new home, Poppy, our dog, had surgery, my mom had a heart issue and literally had surgery yesterday, and about two weeks ago, my spouse and I almost hit a moose while travelling on a pitch dark highway toward home. The latter almost being responsible for Earth to Ash becoming Heaven to Ash. No joke. It was crazy and a moment where you feel like God must have had taken the wheel. Mere seconds and it could had been game over I swear. Moose are extremely common around here on our highways, but in all my years, I have never come so close. It took a couple days to shake it off to be honest. At the same time there’s also a part of me that thinks that event was the shake I needed. To make me realize that at any moment things can go south, and then what? What is all the worrying going to do? Nothing, so stop doing it, Ash. I remember telling myself those very words the next morning walking the dog. I realized the universe speaks to us sometimes, I guess I have to start listening more carefully. And, use my high beams more efficiently.
Now, with that clump of misfortune and morbid dialogue behind me, I want to confirm to you all that I am doing fine. The job, I do have to admit that that one was hard to swallow. It came unexpected and I guess the anxieties stem from the fact that it’s a COVID world out there and I need to find a new job. Though, I’m optimistic and trying my best to take deep breaths in finding my way back to the workforce. The fire. The fire was indeed dramatic. All I remember was coming down stairs half asleep, trying to figure out what was going on and at the same time swiftly grabbing the watercooler bottle by the front door and shaking it violently on the fire in nothing only my underwear. That visual aside and all damages assessed, it was ultimately minimal with a smidge of that was scary. As for Poppy, our dog, she went through a Spay surgery. It was delayed because of COVID and needed to be done. Pun intended. She was super throughout the whole process and she’s back to being the little Popstar she’s always been. The moose thing though, that was a eye-opener, literally! It was sooo close. Listen, no word of a lie, strike me down as I type this. I would say only a few short minutes from the incident, I was legit thinking…that if we did hit a moose, my reaction, if I had one, would be to quickly pull my fiance head down into my crotch. No, mind out of gutter please. The reason being is as when a thousand pound animal such as a moose comes crashing across a very low profile vehicle like ours, someone is destined to be paralyzed or worse, decapitated. If that were to be the case, I’d rather it be me. I know, why were you thinking that, Ash? Morbid thinking much? I have no idea why, it was really dark and I was off in my own head somewhere. But, like I said, ninety seconds later, Boom! Mr. Moose. Running on the highway from the left. I was lucky enough to see the flickering of legs against the light of my head lamps. Saw that, then looked up slightly and Holy Sh*t! MOOSE! God, Nan in heaven, Pop in heaven, I don’t really know who, but someone other than me took that wheel, we avoid. Happened faster than I typed the word moose. It was truly an insane two or three seconds which were went by like extreme slow-motion. It was like God saying, nah, not yet, this guys has more to say. If he ever gets backs to writing that is.
Speaking of God, Ahem! Oh my God! I finished a post. I can’t believe I got this entry out of me. It would amaze you how many times I have tried these past few weeks. Now, it’s done and I can’t help but feel even more awesome. See, life is good. Friends, these last couple months have really induced a horrible bout of block which has been extremely tough to break through. Sorry again for not letting you in on my struggles. I hope you understand and I hope you continue to be the ears to my voice. I can’t say enough how much your loyalty means to me. Thanks for continuing to drop by for a read and to catch up on Earth to Ash. I’ve missed this exchange terribly. There’s also blogging friends I want to tip my hat to as well. I need to virtually drop by and say hello too, it’s overdue. There’s so much to celebrate when I think about it. One thing in particular, and a good way to end this post, mentioning my mom’s heart issue, she was successful yesterday with her surgery. So, she’s now on the mend and ready to face the next challenge thrown at her. She’s a real trooper, my mother, she has MS, and because of that, she’s has complications stemming from challenges living with such a horrible disease. Although, there’s nothing that can beat her or keep that woman down, there is too might fight in her, and it’s exactly where I get it from. Life is very good because she’s in it.
Before I go, I want to say one more time how much I appreciate you, all of you. You keep coming back day after day and I’m forever and ever grateful. I hope you’re well, I hope your families are safe, and I hope life is good for you.
Take care everyone, and keep being you!!!
A fit body, a calm mind, a house full of love. These things cannot be bought – they must be earned. – Naval Ravikant
Something beautiful can happen to people when their world falls apart: humility, nobility and wisdom emerge just when our knees hit the floor. – Marianne Williamson
It was as midnight as midnight could be
that late, dogs cried at the moon
all the way down
as I followed you
straight to an early grave
not once knowing
ignorant, childish, wishing for my own home
we shared nothing
no words, not a glance, not even…presence
only fading footsteps in the rain
before you went to a place you felt you had to
regret I held in a subtle hello
maybe I would have turned it off
stood a final chance
and shooed the voice away from you
when lady death came teasing your ear?
there was no way I, me…
someone who would just threaten a made up mind
compete that night
with deathly songs of teenage tragedy
singing you toward an infinite dark
by the tune of your own broken heart
stealing any lust left for tomorrow
as you walked toward the Bluest Oyster
never to see you again
I will find my joy – not in a bed of hothouse roses, but in a wayward roadside flower. – Muriel Strode
Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic fear which is inherent in a human situation. – Graham Greene
Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished. – Lao Tzu
The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow and loses today… The whole future lies in uncertainty: live immediately. – Seneca
There is a saying in Tibetan, “Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength”. No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster. – Dalai Lama