Mortal Less?

download (2)

Hey everybody,

Today there was news that kind of put me off, shook me as soon as read the text from my mother early this morning. Late last night my step-cousin passed away, she had battled diabetes for most of her life and sadly, that battle is now over. I won’t really go into it any further than that from a personal standpoint for respect to her and her family but I will talk a bit about the thoughts that I had since hearing the news.

I don’t know really, mortality rears its ugly head every now and again, news like that slaps you right in the face. As I get older these situations unfortunately happen more often than I’d like, people getting hurt, people getting old, people getting sick, and people dying. It’s all a part of the circle, I get that, we all get it, but it still sucks. Losing someone is probably the worst thing that I have ever had to process in my life and something that for the longest time I didn’t think that I would ever experience. The young and naive Ash thought people close to me would never die. I remember my grandmother, as she rocked in her chair with her fist to her chin would sometimes talk about that day, where I would quickly reply with “go on mother, I will die before you, you have long life to go yet, don’t be foolish”. Morbid conversation yes, but it was true, it is a part of life and at that time she was in a different chapter of hers but who wants to hear that when you’re staring at the person who has always been your rock?

This girl was a classmate of mine, her husband is someone that I played high school sports with, and although it’s been years since we have seen each other, I remember them fondly. I thought about them a lot this morning and how hard it must be for the family to process this loss, she was way too young and my heart goes out to them. I turned forty this past April and I live a relatively healthy life, I have gotten by pretty unscathed up to this point and at this very moment I’m feeling pretty grateful for that.

Life is short, yeah, yeah…we hear that all the time but how often do with let that sink in? How often do we take inventory of where we are in life when it comes to our health or even just in general? There are some things that we won’t be able to fix, there will be things that will happen that only fate can determine but the one thing we have control over is being thankful that even today we’ve been given that one extra flip of the calendar.

Today’s news gave me goosebumps, made me take a moment not only to show my condolences for a past friend of mine but also to make me realize that no matter what chaos life throws at me and no matter how bad my day is going I need to be thankful that I get to spend it here with the people that I love and the people that love me right back.

Feel that Draft?

Hey there,
It’s Tuesday, I’m sitting here on my lunch hour from work, listening to Mulgrid Miller, feeling all posty. The only thing is, I got nothing, nada, zilch, I’m blocked, just staring at a blinking cursor and a slew of material sitting dormant in my drafts. My mind has been mush for a few days now, nothings been firing and I’m caught in a bit of a funk. I have been struggling with my creativity from a poetry perspective as well, comes with the territory and I hate it. Lately, I’ve been primed and ready to change the world only to fall into some YouTube wormhole or slap my laptop closed after immediately becoming void of thought.

download (8).jpg
I’m literally doing the same thing in the above picture right now. Some time ago I wrote about the importance of just writing, my post Just Write was basically a way for me to get through a similar stint of writers’ block, so after taking a look at my drafts I realize that I have so many thoughts that still sit stagnate, still not posted. I know, I know, writing about not writing is cheating but hey, don’t hate me for just going with it.
giphy (1).gif
I read a post yesterday by J. A. Allen that talked about how hard it is to fit writing into your everyday lifestyle. She wrote about the fact that she has a full-time job, kids, and loads of other responsibilities that take precedence over her writing. Her post kind of resonated with me and my own struggle with fitting writing into my everyday. It’s hard, it’s a challenge indeed, then, when you finally get an opportunity to write, boom, you hit a wall.
giphy (2).gif
For me, it all starts with a draft, it starts with that initial thought that hits me. Sometimes I know right away that I am on to something, other times though, there’s something just not right about it. I need to “feel that draft”.  I’m sure my writer friends can relate, I bet there’s a draft that’s sitting there right now that never seems to be good enough to let go of, am I correct? Are you like me? Like an elementary kid unveiling a class project, twisting my foot looking down at the ground before I feel its good enough to say goodbye to.
tenor (1).gif
It’s all part of the process of writing I guess, I started this post staring aimlessly at a bunch of unfinished thoughts, now because of that I got something out of me, something posted. I hope that I keep the momentum going, just hitting the publish button was gratifying in itself knowing that I am slowly shaking off this fog. What’s important is that I don’t stop, just keep on keeping on, I hope that just like that post that I read from J. A. Allen, Split Ends and House Flies, you will find some sort of inspiration and realize that those thoughts that have taken up what looks like permanent residency in your drafts could be for you, that next great post. Take another look, go on, maybe this time you’ll feel that draft.
download (1)

Continue reading “Feel that Draft?”

For the Love of Gay

images (4).jpg

Hey there,
I ate lunch today in the adjacent hotel lobby next to my work as I do every now and then. Sometimes I use my lunch hour to write because it’s out of the way, hotel quiet, and a great place to people watch…and not in that creepy way.

I was sitting there, minding my own business when a couple who I think were in town off a cruise ship from the United States. They were sitting a couch down from me, they were chatting about whether or not they were going to partake in an afternoon bus tour, debating because the weather sucked. Perfectly normal conversation until I overheard the lady say something that was like “what the ****”.

What was it? Well, there’s a KD Lang concert this weekend and I guess they had been deciding earlier if they were going to attend because it came up during their back and forth. The husband asked a couple of times if the wife (60ish) wanted to go and she replied with “I don’t know, I like KD Lang, actually, I did like her before she was gay”….This is 2017 correct? I was flabbergasted, couldn’t believe what I had heard. I was like, “really misses, before she was gay”, so what, KD Lang now uses her gay voice to sing, or shoots gay bullets from her eyeballs, like come on. I immediately turned in her direction and made sure she was aware that I had heard what she had said so that for that millisecond she could realize how ridiculous she sounded.
It amazes me how this ignorance still exists, how people don’t realize the hurt this kind of backward-thinking creates. No disrespect to KD Lang but if this lady didn’t know that KD was gay before she actually came out, then she probably thinks dinosaurs still exist or the earth is flat. Lady, please educate yourself my love, open your mind and allow people to be who they truly are, god I feel bad for you.

I don’ t know, I was having another bad day and that put the icing on the cake. Live and let live, treat others as you would like to be treated and love your partner, man, woman and the like. This lady is clearly lacking something in her own life (maybe a pet dinosaur) she feels the need to chastise others for her own misery.

My thought is this, no matter what, there are going to be people out there that will try to keep you down, try to dictate you life, and try to tell you what they think is right. We just can’t let them, we need to stay true to ourselves and remember that understanding, acceptance, and genuine love for one another is something this world should never be “constantly craving”.


Why Me?

Hey there everyone,

Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to go wrong? Well, for me that was yesterday and a Monday at that, it was a really bad day for me, where I wished that I never should have gotten out of bed.

I suffer from anxiety and when I have days like yesterday, it’s magnified a hundred times, it feels like my world is falling down around me. Over the years I have endured and trudged on and made my way through it as best I can, I’m not sure how many more times I can do it.

Fortunately,  I have family and friends around me that care, they can see when I am not myself and try their best to make sure I’m OK.  I become withdrawn, the smile escapes my face, I clam up, emotionless. I have come to realize that I have had this behavior for the majority of my life, it’s the way I’m wired I guess, broken from the start.

Depressing right?, I know, and this is not my typical type of post, a little out of my comfort zone but yesterday just threw me completely off, like the old cliché “Why me?” I couldn’t think, I couldn’t be myself, it felt as if some higher power was using a magnified glass to burn the trail before me, to make it that much more difficult, only for me. Cue my writing, and this post, it helps with getting stuff out of my head, out of my system, my poems for one is a regurgitation of my inner most deepest thoughts that once transcribed, only then I start to feel somewhat better. I don’t always like to show this side of me as, like a dark secret I keep it close to the chest.

I consider myself very resourceful, emotionally durable, and fixer of all things, but days like yesterday I just feel defeated…worn. Life is just one obstacle after the next, I get pass one hurdle only to have another emotional triathlon before me. One step forward and two steps back could literally be the title of the book of my life.

Now that I have forced you to a top of a building somewhere ready to jump, I leave you with this, I will get through it, I’ve always found a way. I just wanted to get my thought out there and maybe there’s some of you that can relate, maybe even going through something yourself. We have our ways to cope, to get pass tough times, whether it be talking with loved ones, finding strength in the church, or just having a strong-will, we get by. So listen to each other, help each other, and if you can be there for someone when they need it the most, then please do so.

I’ll be OK, now that I have processed yesterday I realize that today is a new one and it’s up to me to make this the best day I can possibly make it. People love me, I have home, a job, and no matter what life throws my way,  I will make it to tomorrow.

Am I still?

Am I still…
a string of your heart?
Or does it lie frayed, too torn apart.
Seasoned now, but still we’re broken,
enough has always been, left unspoken.
See my light, I’ve been casting in hope,
I swear this absence has no cope.
Our detached strings will again accrete,
I won’t stop trying until I feel your beat.


Keep Content

Hey errbody,

download (7).jpg

Just a shout out to my readers, haven’t done one yet and it’s about time I did. I want to say that without you, I wouldn’t be able to pursue a dream of mine, and that’s to write. Whoo deeep, no but seriously, it’s been nothing but positive feedback when it comes to my blog, I have to take a moment and sincerely thank you all.

One of the struggles with writing a blog is the “content”, how do you define yourself and your niche, how do you keep your reader “content”? I ask myself that all the time, do I specialize one way or the other or do I just wing it? I most likely have been doing a little of both, at the same time, and then some. That’s where you have come in, what your follows, likes, subscribes, and comments, have shown me is that you’re listening and you are enjoying my writing……awwwww.

tenor (2).gif

Look, this world is crazy as it is and in the middle of it all, you take tiny little increments out of your own lives just to check out Earth to Ash, you do it for me. It means a lot and it does nothing but motivate me to keep going, keeping posting and keep on moving forward. This is all new to me but one things for sure, I’m glad you’re in the trenches alongside with me.
Thanks again for being a repeat visitor, your viewership is greatly appreciated and I really really hope you have enjoyed my blog.

Stay tuned…

Oh, by the way, picture the earth in the first photo as me and the hands are you, get it….no….really?

Anyway…..You rock.