I run toward nothing
I have nowhere to go but I’m running
away from the person you think I am
away from the shadow you say I cast
my heart getting weaker the further I go
there is no voice calling my name
no soul missing mine
my blood is useless
it means nothing to anyone anymore
soon I will be far away
nothing will bring me back
life will have stretched the whole distance
from where I was to where you left me
a lifetime too late
I mentioned my daughter today as I always do in conversation. Oddly enough, to someone the same age as her. The response, “If she is anything like you, Ash, I’m sure she is just as awesome.” My heart sank. Why does the rest of the world see what she cannot? Why do I try to convince myself that what they say is not true because it is not told to me by her? Why do I feel broken and all she did was just sweep away the pieces? Questions I ask all the time because I hurt all the time. Something must be wrong with me.
But then someone comes along and suddenly, my reflection in the mirror changes. The questions disappear as I find another piece of me that was thrown away. Returned by a friendly face reminding me how my big my heart actually is.
When I was a young boy, my grandmother would always tell me that I was bound for something great. Glimpses of me behind a desk somewhere with a pen and paper. No more substance than that. Just that nothing else would fit what mould she had envisioned for me. She would tell me this with a smile and pride in her voice. It would instantly make me smile too. But, for years I wondered what that meant. Now, as a published poet and six years deep into my blog, Earth to Ash, amongst creating every single chance I get, this is what she had seen. This is what she knew was coming for me. A future with writing. Sharing my thoughts, feelings, and emotion to the world around me. Like I have said from the start. I don’t consider myself to be a great writer, but I am enjoying the journey of someday becoming one. And when I reach that goal, it will forever be because of Theresa Douglas. Nan/Mom, if only you could read those words you seeded inside this soul of mine that writes to connect forever with yours and the world can take a peek too. – Ash
Ah, the missing gift. Christmastime, a sad reminder that once again there will be a certain To: and From: gift nametag missing from under the tree. A present that no longer finds its way on Santa’s list. A gift we most likely have asked for every year since. It is one of the hardest things about the holidays for me. Though, I learned a long time ago not to dwell on that when it came to thinking of the people that are no longer a part of my life. Instead, I started to think of all the memories I have of them and no matter what, they will always be a part of my life that way. That will never be lost.
Continue reading “Post of Christmas Past # 5 – The Missing Gift”
I wrote a letter on a beacon of hope gave fate the return address but sadly, I still sit and wait for tomorrow and tomorrow maybe tomorrow but sadly, tomorrow never comes every day is a search every day a wish please please oh please but sadly, nothing is found or returned some days I see shadows some nights a mirage could it be could it be could it be but sadly, none of them are really you there are moments where I believe there are moments where I truly feel that I will see you again in time as it passes and passes and passes but sadly, you're still disappeared
Losing someone in your life that is still out there is like falling continuously and never hitting the ground. But, all you can feel is the impact. – Ash
Farewell my uncle. I never knew you, but I will never forget you. Life has a strange way of displacing what could have been. Death has taught me this. – Ash
Earth To Ash 