Live as you were to die tomorrow.
Learn as if you were to live forever.-Mahatma Gandhi
Category: memory
Journal Entry # 16 – Get away to refill…
“People empty me. I have to get away to refill”
– Charles Burkowski
It’s Tradition
I had a conversation yesterday with a colleague of mine and we were discussing Christmas traditions and the role they play in making the holidays special. As per Google, “Traditions” are the transmission of customs or beliefs passed down from generation to generation. Like me I’m sure, most of you are familiar with these annual festive rituals, and also like me, they most likely started when you were a kid. It’s something each year, that has to absolutely happen in order for you to say it was a Merry Christmas. They become more and more necessary, helping recreate those nostalgic feelings that we’ve all become so attached to. One example of that is being home for Christmas, there’s something about being home for the holidays. The memories of being home with your family and friends are memories that will last for the rest of you life.
My grandparents passed away some time ago and I used to have a hard time with the fact that Christmas would now become different. So different that I felt like the holidays would never have the same feeling anymore, like I would never be as happy. The tradition of going home and spending time with the family at my grandparents’ house, my house, where I was raised would become just a memory. Forced to turn the page on that chapter of my life and say goodbye to something that was so dear to my heart was very hard for me. The house was sold, family slowly drifted apart and we all began to move on. Yeah, for many years following I struggled, holding some resentment that the nucleus of the family were no longer the highlight of such a celebrated time of year. It made me mad, upset for sure, but mostly, it left me with a void that I felt would never be filled again…until.
Until one time, a Christmas or two ago, I was sitting around reminiscing, and dwelling on what was missing. Then something spoke to me, even to this day I say it was my grandmother herself. Like a real life scrooge moment, I heard her gentle voice, her soft whisper fell upon my ears, she told me that it was not like me to be feeling the way that I was. She knew me better than anyone else on this planet and she was upset that I gotten lost in the past, mad that I was being so stubborn. “Enough of that” she said, and just as she had for my entire life she consoled me with her words… “Places don’t make memories Ash, people do”.
After that, I started to look at this time of year differently. It made me understand that thinking that way was only hurting me, and ultimately hurting the people around me. Sometimes we have to leave the people we care for behind, sometimes people we care for have to leave us, but what we have to remember is that our heart is a very big place. It’s big enough to hold as much love as you can imagine, and extra big during the holidays. Christmas is not about what you don’t have, but it’s more of what you do have. Take those traditions of the past and share them with your present, there may be a chair or two empty at the dining room table but no matter what you’ll always have plenty of room in your heart.
Tibbs
By the rickety rim, farewell till the morrow.
Moonlit, as stones were kicked.
Our colloquies went on.
Foolish I,
you…
the antics,
ne’er be by flesh more longer,
but by souls,
still sit nightly.
Mortal Less?
Hey everybody,
Today there was news that kind of put me off, shook me as soon as read the text from my mother early this morning. Late last night my step-cousin passed away, she had battled diabetes for most of her life and sadly, that battle is now over. I won’t really go into it any further than that from a personal standpoint for respect to her and her family but I will talk a bit about the thoughts that I had since hearing the news.
I don’t know really, mortality rears its ugly head every now and again, news like that slaps you right in the face. As I get older these situations unfortunately happen more often than I’d like, people getting hurt, people getting old, people getting sick, and people dying. It’s all a part of the circle, I get that, we all get it, but it still sucks. Losing someone is probably the worst thing that I have ever had to process in my life and something that for the longest time I didn’t think that I would ever experience. The young and naive Ash thought people close to me would never die. I remember my grandmother, as she rocked in her chair with her fist to her chin would sometimes talk about that day, where I would quickly reply with “go on mother, I will die before you, you have long life to go yet, don’t be foolish”. Morbid conversation yes, but it was true, it is a part of life and at that time she was in a different chapter of hers but who wants to hear that when you’re staring at the person who has always been your rock?
This girl was a classmate of mine, her husband is someone that I played high school sports with, and although it’s been years since we have seen each other, I remember them fondly. I thought about them a lot this morning and how hard it must be for the family to process this loss, she was way too young and my heart goes out to them. I turned forty this past April and I live a relatively healthy life, I have gotten by pretty unscathed up to this point and at this very moment I’m feeling pretty grateful for that.
Life is short, yeah, yeah…we hear that all the time but how often do with let that sink in? How often do we take inventory of where we are in life when it comes to our health or even just in general? There are some things that we won’t be able to fix, there will be things that will happen that only fate can determine but the one thing we have control over is being thankful that even today we’ve been given that one extra flip of the calendar.
Today’s news gave me goosebumps, made me take a moment not only to show my condolences for a past friend of mine but also to make me realize that no matter what chaos life throws at me and no matter how bad my day is going I need to be thankful that I get to spend it here with the people that I love and the people that love me right back.
We were the Warriors
Indolent Saturdays poking things with sticks.
We ran the back hills of our home.
Three soldier foray, we flanked…pretending.
Skinned knees and eye pokes, no bother,
as we’d rather dare and tell more lies.
I Will Remember You
Hey all,
Just wanted to post something a little close to the chest today, it’s another birthday of my Grandfather whose passed on and a few years ago I put together this little video in his memory. I did so for my family, to give them something they could enjoy, sure, there were probably a lot of tears shed when they viewed it but I thought sometimes we can all use a good cry to get those feelings out. As you may interpret from some of my poems, I have lost a few people that are near and dear to my heart. It has not been an easy journey moving on without them, but I feel that expressing myself through writing has helped me with my process of healing so I decided to share.
It’s not easy losing someone, it’s something that we at most times are never prepared for. It’s not until you go through it yourself that we finally understand that our time on this planet is very short and we must utilize every second we can to show our family and friends how much they truly mean to us. Nobody is perfect and we all have areas of our life that we can maybe improve on and our relationships are no different, especially family, relatives are forever bound by blood but it’s true that sometimes we forget what matters in our hectic lives because somewhere along the line we lost our way.
I am guilty of the above, I have relationships that have deteriorated, gone astray that keep me up at night, another part of life I guess. I think about it all the time and I feel sometimes like it was something that I did, sometimes I pass the blame on to the other, none of those examples are 100% true, forget about the blame and just make it better.
Days like today I put my life in perspective and realize that there are those that have gone before me that I wish every day that they could come back, even for just a moment. But I have to realize as well that there are people that I love that are right next to me or only a phone call away, so what’s stopping me?
Give your kids a hug, kiss your spouse, call your mom and have a beer with the buddy because today we have while tomorrow, who knows?
Miss ya Pops
Three’s Company
It’s been awhile now since I have posted anything other than a poem as of late, but I just had to share this. So, I’ve been watching Three’s Company for the last few days (OK, that just dated me) and it’s been quite the unexpected nostalgic experience, and soooo funny. I found this YouTube channel that has all the episodes, I have been binge watching each one of them before they get taken down. Jack, Janette, Chrissy and the Ropers were on a lot at my house when I was growing up and it’s been bringing up a lot of fond memories the more invested I’ve become.
If I remember correctly, the show was usually on just after suppertime, my Pop was always planted firmly in his chair, he loved him some Jack Tripper. My Nan just finishing the last of the dishes, the same time each evening, everyday, we were all waiting to see what Jack and the gang were up to. What misunderstanding will be misunderstood on tonight’s episode? I remember vividly, my aunt and uncle who had just gotten off of work from the fish plant and them both still having a distinct perfume of fish that would usually whisk pass my nose. My aunt always did say how brutal it was trying to get rid of the constant tinge of the fish, after a twelve hour shift. I will never forget that. Yes, we would all consume the living room, trying to score a spot on the tiniest of couches, some resorting to the arm of a love seat, maybe the coffee table or lastly, the floor. All this didn’t matter, shhhhhh……the theme song has started,”Come and knock on our door”….
It’s true, the fondest memories can be drawn from the simplest of things, for me it was this TV show. It brought the nostalgia completely out of me, made me think about people I haven’t thought of in awhile, it was nice. The same is hard to do these days in the same context with the accessibility of digital content, and how sitting around the TV the same time each week is not a thing anymore for most people. Direct, custom content although convenient, can also cause a disconnect where everyone usually retreats to their own devices, unfortunately it’s a thing. I think it’s important to make time for each other, create memories that will forever channel happiness. I know this is am example of screen time but it can be anything you want it to be. How nice it is when something puts a smile on your face? We can all use a little of that.
“Three’s Company: A Man About the House (#1.1)” (1977)
- Stanley Roper: Look at that crack in the ceiling. …
- Helen Roper: The party didn’t cause that.
- Stanley Roper: Oh yah. …
- Helen Roper: It was the earthquake last year. …
- Stanley Roper: Exciting?
- Helen Roper: Yah, it was the first time our bed moved in years.
Yeah, it’s that kinda comedy, but you know what? I’ve been having a good laugh these past few days watching the pure genius in physical comedy that was the comedy of John Ritter, who we all know died way too early. My cousin Amanda, says that when she sees him on TV, he reminds her of me, lol. All the cast were great, it was a perfect ensemble, a timeless comedy. Watching Three’s Company has been stirring up some pleasant memories for me, memories that will forever make me recall a simpler time in my life that I will hold dear in my heart for the rest of my life.
This blog was taped before a live studio audience.
Earth To Ash 