"A collection of my thoughts, feelings, and reactions, to the world around me"
Let’s see, where should begin? For a couple of weeks, I haven’t been feeling the greatest. Hence, my most recent post and it’s morbid tone. Although, if I hadn’t posted what I did and the way I did, I wouldn’t be typing this to you all right now. I say this, because of the overwhelming support I received from it. I’ve got some pretty cool friends out there in the bloggerverse. They really came to my side, almost instantaneously let me add. I’m a very lucky guy.
So, back to the task at hand. Some of you know I suffer from anxiety and depression. By god, it really had a good hold on me this time. When it does, it’s like I become automatized Ash, a robot just going through the motions. This past Easter Sunday, I turned another year older and like the past few years, my annual celebration had an asterisk by it. Two weeks to the day of my birthday, I began to start to feel what I call a fog moving in. With it, came the thoughts, the emotions, and the many late nights of hopelessness and overthinking. Nothing was of any value and each time I try to break out of it, the haze crept back around. The trigger? The relationship with my daughter or lack thereof is what I should say. Being that it was my birthday, I had hoped for a birthday wish that unfortunately didn’t come true. I reached out but once again, to no avail. I guess that’s when my lust for anything died right there on the spot.
It pains me to say this, but we are closing in on almost three years and each and every single day it gets harder. Family and friends tell me all the time it’ll get better. That this is just a phase and eventually she’ll come around. Nah…not sure about that. I like to think so, but I’m no longer confident that that will happen. Though I’m grateful they try their best to make me feel better. It helps for sure. Truth is, in my heart, I lost my daughter a long time ago. That little sparkle in her eye that she had when she used to look at me as since fizzled out. Look, I wasn’t perfect and as a father, I made mistakes. There’s penance to be made and wrongs to right. I just need an opportunity to win her back. I know I can do it if I was given a chance, face to face. Right now though, I’m still on the outside looking in. Respecting her wishes. To take that harsh reality around with you all the time has become for me quite a heavy load. My heart breaks virtually every day. How pathetic, I’m looking over my shoulder as I walk when I see a young woman from afar. Heads always on a swivel as I weave through busy traffic. Was that her? It’s manic sometimes. I try to move on like people tell me, it’s not as easy as that.
When I posted the other day, did I mean that I was walking away from writing for good? Kind of. Automatized Ash was ready to. A funk so bad I just wanted to throw in the towel on everything, to be honest. Forbid happiness altogether. Trust me, feelings of hurting my daughter and failing as a father trumps its all. My own personal life sentence if you will. I can’t lie, having a grown 21-year-old daughter out in the world who doesn’t need you or wants anything to do with you is like being in your own personal purgatory. No light to go toward, no darkness to swallow you up.
I don’t know, I had thought that I was coping better. I even made some pretty good breakthroughs, but as soon as something like a birthday or holiday pops up, boom, the foundation implode. It moves front and center taking precedence over anything else that’s going on, slowly eating away at me from the inside out. It’s a vicious cycle. I’ve tried so many things to rekindle our relationship. Letters, texts, calls, space, you name it and I tried it all. Each time, I come up short. Another two steps back. Each time, I go through virtually every emotion possible until my heart wears out. Wow, I never thought I would pour myself out on my blog like this. But after some of you chimed in with concern and worry, I felt it was time to bleed out some of this pain and not hold back. Thanks for that by the way.
As for the future of Earth to Ash? Well, these last few days I decided that I would not think about writing, not think about anything other than getting better. Just try my best to force myself out of the fog. This is where it all comes full circle. After reading some of your comments and noticing that more followers were coming on board even though I was almost pulling the plug, I began to realize something. It was like you were trying to throw me a lifeline. Trying to tell me something that I was too stubborn at the time to see. Folks, I’m sorry I almost took my ball and went home. The way I was feeling was winning the battle. Once a few of you reached out to me, I immediately started to reflect on why I was throwing my blog away. Why rob myself of something that means so much to me? If I walk away from writing, I may as well become that robot. Because there’s a lot more to life. It might be tough right now, but there is always tomorrow. So, here I am, rising from the Ash. See, feeling better already. No, I’m ready for another 12 rounds of getting my daughter back in my life, ready for more Earth to Ash.
Lastly, I ask that you be patient with me as I might not be in full form right away, but I can assure you that I’m not going anywhere. Well, nowhere other than continuing to try to get my daughter back.
Thanks, everybody for reading my rant and allowing me to be real for a moment. I dedicate this post to all of you.
And Ashton, if you’re reading this somewhere, someday…Dad loves you and I’m sorry.