I run toward nothing
I have nowhere to go but I’m running
away from the person you think I am
away from the shadow you say I cast
my heart getting weaker the further I go
there is no voice calling my name
no soul missing mine
my blood is useless
it means nothing to anyone anymore
soon I will be far away
nothing will bring me back
life will have stretched the whole distance
from where I was to where you left me
a lifetime too late
I mentioned my daughter today as I always do in conversation. Oddly enough, to someone the same age as her. The response, “If she is anything like you, Ash, I’m sure she is just as awesome.” My heart sank. Why does the rest of the world see what she cannot? Why do I try to convince myself that what they say is not true because it is not told to me by her? Why do I feel broken and all she did was just sweep away the pieces? Questions I ask all the time because I hurt all the time. Something must be wrong with me.
But then someone comes along and suddenly, my reflection in the mirror changes. The questions disappear as I find another piece of me that was thrown away. Returned by a friendly face reminding me how my big my heart actually is.
You are a flower
a flower long picked from the garden home
with just today as a reminder of when you began to grow
seasons pass and nothing else seems to want to flourish anymore
your bloom was what kept these old roots alive
now, the rain never comes backs
the sun only hurts
the moon listens, but that’s all
the wind is gone before I know it
not one thing about life is life
in this garden home
without a little flower
Losing someone in your life that is still out there is like falling continuously and never hitting the ground. But, all you can feel is the impact. – Ash
I was with you for a while
every one of those moments I playback when I think of you
when my heart is calling out for yours to hear
your skin a shade of an angel
hair…I remember its smell tucked close under my chin
when you smiled the whole world became happy
and those eyes
they kept exploding my heart stretching it with love
you are the best thing that ever happened to me
a day that changed my life
so beautiful and full of hope…and my daughter
our bond and made up language only ours
will be forever
your laughter is what I hear the most, only it grows faint
those days I miss you so much it kills me a little bit more
reminds me how I am living with an empty heart
with a box full of memories
slowly losing what it feels like to have a pulse
as the pages of my mind bleed ink
disappearing the days of our lives together
all I have left are these words to keep going
When a flower is plucked from the garden, it quickly forgets where it once was planted. – Ash/Dad
I made peace with something not long ago. It hurt, it also healed. The result was me realizing that I am not letting go forever, but rather, me accepting I cannot hang for now. Life needs to be continued… – Ash/Dad
My heart beats loudest
for someone no longer there
keeping me alive
more time between us
more our hearts break us in two
when I think of you
Earth To Ash 