Why Me?

Hey there everyone,

Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to go wrong? Well, for me that was yesterday and a Monday at that, it was a really bad day for me, where I wished that I never should have gotten out of bed.

I suffer from anxiety and when I have days like yesterday, it’s magnified a hundred times, it feels like my world is falling down around me. Over the years I have endured and trudged on and made my way through it as best I can, I’m not sure how many more times I can do it.

Fortunately,  I have family and friends around me that care, they can see when I am not myself and try their best to make sure I’m OK.  I become withdrawn, the smile escapes my face, I clam up, emotionless. I have come to realize that I have had this behavior for the majority of my life, it’s the way I’m wired I guess, broken from the start.

Depressing right?, I know, and this is not my typical type of post, a little out of my comfort zone but yesterday just threw me completely off, like the old cliché “Why me?” I couldn’t think, I couldn’t be myself, it felt as if some higher power was using a magnified glass to burn the trail before me, to make it that much more difficult, only for me. Cue my writing, and this post, it helps with getting stuff out of my head, out of my system, my poems for one is a regurgitation of my inner most deepest thoughts that once transcribed, only then I start to feel somewhat better. I don’t always like to show this side of me as, like a dark secret I keep it close to the chest.

I consider myself very resourceful, emotionally durable, and fixer of all things, but days like yesterday I just feel defeated…worn. Life is just one obstacle after the next, I get pass one hurdle only to have another emotional triathlon before me. One step forward and two steps back could literally be the title of the book of my life.

Now that I have forced you to a top of a building somewhere ready to jump, I leave you with this, I will get through it, I’ve always found a way. I just wanted to get my thought out there and maybe there’s some of you that can relate, maybe even going through something yourself. We have our ways to cope, to get pass tough times, whether it be talking with loved ones, finding strength in the church, or just having a strong-will, we get by. So listen to each other, help each other, and if you can be there for someone when they need it the most, then please do so.

I’ll be OK, now that I have processed yesterday I realize that today is a new one and it’s up to me to make this the best day I can possibly make it. People love me, I have home, a job, and no matter what life throws my way,  I will make it to tomorrow.

The Streets are Paved in Cold

I watched a movie earlier tonight, “Cardboard Boxer”, not bad of a film.  It starred Thomas Hayden Church and Terrance Howard, and it focused on the homeless.  Watching the main character Thomas Hayden Church fight adversity and survive his way through day to day life on the streets got me thinking.  A few nights ago I went for a walk and later wrote about it, I blogged about how cold it was and how much I hated winter.  It’s true, I was just “vent writing” and emoting my true frustration with how I felt about the dark days of winter.  No question about it, that night was cold, sooo cold, it was bitter and there was snow everywhere I looked.  As I walked along my body was in a full contraction from the brisk night air, I couldn’t help but think about how people who live on the streets do it.  Imagine having no place to go and having to try to find somewhere warm to sleep every night of your life, not only that you have to feed yourself too.

We witness this all the time, we pass by the usual suspects every day on our lunch breaks that give us their best pitch Monday through Friday to score just a little bit of change.  As soon as that interaction of just a quick yes or no is over, you move on with your life.  We go back to discussing what plans we have for the weekend or how good our workout was that day, the question of where you were sleeping tonight never entered your thoughts.  That night as I walked I thought about it a lot, I was freezing, yes I was wimping out a bit too but I was content knowing I had a warm home to return to.  I asked myself what I would do, what would be my gut instinct, could I be capable of the lasting a night like that on the street?  Probably not, but it humbled me knowing how fortunate I was and how my problems just don’t seem as important anymore.  I look out the window and I see a driveway that needs to be shoveled or I see a hinderance to my morning commute, I can’t appreciate the challenges they must endure each and every day battling mother nature.

The next time you pass by someone who could use some help, do so, give them a chance.  Yes, I know, how can you be sure where the money is going?  So many questions rush through your mind during that microtransaction, it’s milliseconds, we are quick to judge.  We can stand there all day morally debating if we should but we already know the answer to that question.  How much do we waste each day on the simplest of pleasures that we enjoy, ask yourself again, can you afford to give?  I bet the answer is yes, we just try to find answers for saying no, like we have something to prove.  We honestly don’t know where we will find ourselves in life, there are peaks and valleys in every dynamic.

That night made me realize that sometimes I do take life for granted and I do have it good but sometimes I think otherwise.  I have a roof over my head, a job that I go to from week to week and a family that love and care for me.  Appreciate the fact that you have cable and that the internet exists, a trip to the store takes 5 minutes by car, we got it pretty good.  Give of yourself, help out at a soup kitchen, donate your used clothing, do whatever you can because at the end of the day if you give back to the people that need it the most it can slowly become the only change they might need.