“Surrounded by you, my eyes open or closed.
Thinking of you, lost petal, my rose.
Hoping for you, to change what you’ve chose.
Wishing for you, to love me like those.”
Tag: memory
Round Field
all I hear is the wind,
the rain…slaps at me
my mind has frozen
but whitecaps still capture
to the bone and in drench,
I see the window…
where you’re waiting
New Year’s Heave
Oh hi, remember me? Yeah, I know…it’s been awhile. I had to pretty much force myself to take some time and write, I’ve coined it “force-writing”. I was hoping the Christmas season would bring me more material that I could keep up with, especially how reminiscent I tend to be, but it just wasn’t the case. Though, there were a few times while relaxing with a festive drink in hand and wearing my ugly sweater, I would get all inspired only to switch gears and start googling Christmas movies. I can admit now that I got caught in a bit of a holiday funk and each time I felt prompted to write, I allowed myself to get easily distracted. So, now that we are about to be heaved into a new year, there’s no better time to kick things off and get back on track.
I hope all of you have enjoyed a great holiday season along with a wonderful new year, safe, sound, and with the people you love. All the parking lot tetris, long line-up grief, and that grinchy scowl you received when both those carts wouldn’t clear that aisle are all but distant memories. Christmas is a wrap! (see what I did there) Another holiday season a success, and before you can enjoy that for a second, it’s January 1, 2018, a new year…now what?
Well, now we all get to slowly start moving back toward our regular lives, back to the old routine, shoot me now. But, before we do, New Year’s gives us that last bit of holiday vacation bliss and also the perfect opportunity to reflect. The good, the bad, the happy, and the sad too, all 2017 in account while we set or sights on 2018. Oh yeah, you also get one last chance to stay in your pj’s all day.
I am going to consider this post another successful “force write” session, seems like the juices are flowing again, the Christmas block has passed, your patience very appreciated. With this momentum, I intend to make 2018 a big year for Earth to Ash, I had a huge 2016. I would have never expected this blog to be where it’s at today, so far, so fast, thanks again for being a big part of it.
Until…
You’re Estranged Animal
I received a text from my father a couple of weeks ago, you may be thinking, yeah…so what? Well, the “what” is the fact that I have not spoken to this man in more than twenty two years, we had a falling out a very long time ago. There’s more to that story but I won’t get into that now as it is of a private nature. What I would like to talk about is the fallout that ensues when family or friends choose not continue their relationships with another. No matter what the reason may be and no matter what the dynamic, losing that connection with someone can be hard and this time of year it can be really hard.
You know, I have tried on many occasions to fix things with my father, each effort took a piece of me, especially around the holidays. As I got older and with each passing year, I was able to put things in a better perspective. I had grown up and now I was able to see things differently and quite frankly, I was fed up with being hurt. So about fifteen years ago, at Christmas, I made one last ditch effort and wrote a letter. It was a peace offering, an olive branch as it were, it was do or die for our relationship and I was prepared either way.
Well, a few days into the holidays, unfortunately, my letter was met with the response that I was expecting all along and at that very moment I didn’t feel sad, I actually felt free. Something inside me was lifted off my shoulders, no more did I allow the chains of hurt drag me down any longer. Christmas from then on would never again have an asterisk by it, yes it was indeed another year without a father, but it was also another year surrounded by so many others that were there and have been from the start. That experience really opened my eyes and certainly my heart to all that unconditional love that was already right there in front of me though I was too consumed by what was not.
I guess what I’m trying say, is that at Christmas, we can all get a little sentimental as we take stock of where we are in our lives. Personal inventory of who we love, who we miss, and who we’ve lost along the way. Time is precious and there’s no way to go back and change things like we would want to, therefore, we have to take advantage the time we do have. Turns out that text from my father was just him reaching out for something that he needed and not some “oh my god, it’s my dad” moment, so I completely ignored his request and as I mentioned above I just moved on.
In closing, I hope that after you read this post, you will take the time to reach out to those who you love or miss loving. Maybe someone you’ve lost contact with, an old colleague you keep changing plans with, or more importantly, that special someone, to tell them that their somebody who really matters to you. Mend those old fences, fix it if it’s broken or simply just go ahead and tell those in your life that they are loved. It may be fact that Christmas comes but only once a year, just realize though, your love can go on forever…
Now go hug somebody will ya?
You and I
What have I done but love you?
I’m not an enemy to your soul.
Covetous hearts created this divide,
while coddling indifference.
They scattered us, you and I, like pieces,
their insouciance causing abstract of what this could be.
I Can See You Again
I could not hold my breath any longer,
your back to me that day.
I expected so many things until,
until that moment when you turned,
to shed a tear so real
…it still hurts.
Tibbs
By the rickety rim, farewell till the morrow.
Moonlit, as stones were kicked.
Our colloquies went on.
Foolish I,
you…
the antics,
ne’er be by flesh more longer,
but by souls,
still sit nightly.
Mortal Less?
Hey everybody,
Today there was news that kind of put me off, shook me as soon as read the text from my mother early this morning. Late last night my step-cousin passed away, she had battled diabetes for most of her life and sadly, that battle is now over. I won’t really go into it any further than that from a personal standpoint for respect to her and her family but I will talk a bit about the thoughts that I had since hearing the news.
I don’t know really, mortality rears its ugly head every now and again, news like that slaps you right in the face. As I get older these situations unfortunately happen more often than I’d like, people getting hurt, people getting old, people getting sick, and people dying. It’s all a part of the circle, I get that, we all get it, but it still sucks. Losing someone is probably the worst thing that I have ever had to process in my life and something that for the longest time I didn’t think that I would ever experience. The young and naive Ash thought people close to me would never die. I remember my grandmother, as she rocked in her chair with her fist to her chin would sometimes talk about that day, where I would quickly reply with “go on mother, I will die before you, you have long life to go yet, don’t be foolish”. Morbid conversation yes, but it was true, it is a part of life and at that time she was in a different chapter of hers but who wants to hear that when you’re staring at the person who has always been your rock?
This girl was a classmate of mine, her husband is someone that I played high school sports with, and although it’s been years since we have seen each other, I remember them fondly. I thought about them a lot this morning and how hard it must be for the family to process this loss, she was way too young and my heart goes out to them. I turned forty this past April and I live a relatively healthy life, I have gotten by pretty unscathed up to this point and at this very moment I’m feeling pretty grateful for that.
Life is short, yeah, yeah…we hear that all the time but how often do with let that sink in? How often do we take inventory of where we are in life when it comes to our health or even just in general? There are some things that we won’t be able to fix, there will be things that will happen that only fate can determine but the one thing we have control over is being thankful that even today we’ve been given that one extra flip of the calendar.
Today’s news gave me goosebumps, made me take a moment not only to show my condolences for a past friend of mine but also to make me realize that no matter what chaos life throws at me and no matter how bad my day is going I need to be thankful that I get to spend it here with the people that I love and the people that love me right back.
I Will Remember You
Hey all,
Just wanted to post something a little close to the chest today, it’s another birthday of my Grandfather whose passed on and a few years ago I put together this little video in his memory. I did so for my family, to give them something they could enjoy, sure, there were probably a lot of tears shed when they viewed it but I thought sometimes we can all use a good cry to get those feelings out. As you may interpret from some of my poems, I have lost a few people that are near and dear to my heart. It has not been an easy journey moving on without them, but I feel that expressing myself through writing has helped me with my process of healing so I decided to share.
It’s not easy losing someone, it’s something that we at most times are never prepared for. It’s not until you go through it yourself that we finally understand that our time on this planet is very short and we must utilize every second we can to show our family and friends how much they truly mean to us. Nobody is perfect and we all have areas of our life that we can maybe improve on and our relationships are no different, especially family, relatives are forever bound by blood but it’s true that sometimes we forget what matters in our hectic lives because somewhere along the line we lost our way.
I am guilty of the above, I have relationships that have deteriorated, gone astray that keep me up at night, another part of life I guess. I think about it all the time and I feel sometimes like it was something that I did, sometimes I pass the blame on to the other, none of those examples are 100% true, forget about the blame and just make it better.
Days like today I put my life in perspective and realize that there are those that have gone before me that I wish every day that they could come back, even for just a moment. But I have to realize as well that there are people that I love that are right next to me or only a phone call away, so what’s stopping me?
Give your kids a hug, kiss your spouse, call your mom and have a beer with the buddy because today we have while tomorrow, who knows?
Miss ya Pops
For a Spell
Quotidian stories they share,
sitting shoulder to shoulder.
Those confabulating chaps
with their doddery routine,
fidget on a bench of stone.
Each muster for a spell,
hoary old fellows chinwag
anecdotes to their nature,
as I eves-dropped for a tale.
Earth To Ash 