Empty

over there, the light

right there, darkness

down there, too deep

up there, just above water

I don’t feel the sun

I don’t walk with the moon

I am blank

…I am empty

Here Lies

I called for you last night

it wasn’t for any of those other reasons we have

this time it was to tell you I was hurting

hurting still… only differently

differently, that poetry won’t mend

differently, that thoughts of you won’t pacify

differently, that distraction from you won’t make me forget

no, this time so different that even a superhero’s cape couldn’t save me

as I sit on the other side of a mountain of hope

I always thought you would answer my cry when it felt real to you

to whatever real means to you

I have done nothing over these years but climb that hope

over and over

thinking one day I would resurrect that real and make it come alive again

to finally know that you feel something for me

maybe that’s all my own dreams

and we know dreams are not real

one day dust will sweep over my body where it lay

marked for the rest of the world

with a sentence that I still continue to call out your name

from beneath my mountain of hope

that fell and crumbled the same day as I did

…your father

Journal Entry # 241 – Be a Port of a Moment

There’s a time and a place. Thank advantage of both. – Ash

Shade of Ash # 35 – I’ve Come to a Resolution

Someone asked me the other day if I was a new year’s resolution type of person. I said no. I am more of a new you resolution type of person which happens every day. Waiting a whole year to assess yourself and make changes seems a waste of time and creates pressure to not fail. We have to fail, to learn to win. We have to fall, to get back up. We have to lose to be grateful for what we already have. I continued to tell this person that I am a work in progress and it takes work each and every day and that’s the only resolution I need to keep. – Ash

Come Rise, My Sun

my winter retreat was lonely
flurries turned into storms
dark skies seemed always
cold bit me every second
ice through my veins stiffened from life
sharpen gales to cut me away
I was polar from everything
sitting barren
until her voice
her light
all that warmth from beyond
chiselled me free of that void capsule
I am her sun
she is my days

Falling In Place

It is cold where I linger
my body numbs to something sharp
all I can do is watch like I am in the clouds
only I walk amongst those but they don’t see me
heart beating so fast it deafens any cry I make
the world goes around with me no longer attached
because I float between realms of real and dreams
waking up in neither
any rest I get is a gift
like cheddar to keep me in hiding
away, under… behind
on this journey along an unmarked trail
in a story between the lines

A Shade of Ash # 34 – Recording Myself For Prosperity

This little friend dictates my life, then, I dictate to it. I started voice journaling about two years ago and only wish I began earlier. I record gratitude, I vent my struggles, I process challenges, I celebrate, I create, I relive memories, I laugh, I cry, I pray, I miss, I love, and I exist. On the record… for me. Hearing myself in certain ways allows me to see myself in more ways which helps me grow in every way. – Ash