"A collection of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions, to the world around me"
The other night, I looked up for the moon
To ask him for a small favour
“Knock for me…at that heaven’s door”
I was alone and needed someone in particular
not only did sky open up and become ours
the clouds even came by for a listen
It was as midnight as midnight could be
that late, dogs cried at the moon
all the way down
as I followed you
straight to an early grave
not once knowing
ignorant, childish, wishing for my own home
we shared nothing
no words, not a glance, not even…presence
only fading footsteps in the rain
before you went to a place you felt you had to
regret I held in a subtle hello
maybe I would have turned it off
stood a final chance
and shooed the voice away from you
but
when lady death came teasing your ear?
there was no way I, me…
someone who would just threaten a made up mind
compete that night
with deathly songs of teenage tragedy
singing you toward an infinite dark
by the tune of your own broken heart
stealing any lust left for tomorrow
then
I watched
as you walked toward the Bluest Oyster
never to see you again
Today, I don’t want to exist.
Tomorrow is fine, but not today.
Today, I don’t deserve anything.
I hate the happiness, I hate the gift ideas.
I hate the attempts to cheer me up from friends and family.
I hate cards, I hate phone calls, I hate the internet.
I hate robbing my stepfather from his day, I’m so damn sorry.
I hate Sundays, I hate barbecues, I hate gatherings and music.
I hate being called something I’m not, stop telling me different.
Stop!!! It only encourages me and I lie to myself again.
I’m not a Dad a son or daughter wishes were still with us.
I’m not a Dad a son or daughter celebrates beating Cancer.
I’m not a Dad a son or daughter begs freed from behind bars.
I’m not even a Dad a son or daughter forgives for his mistakes.
I’m not a Dad…and I have all the scars to prove it.
To heal a wound you must stop scratching it. – Paulo Coelho
I walk this earth an alien
no place here for a castaway
surrounded all the time
still alone
My blood, it’s not like yours
it repels
it taints
it makes things you love disappear
I tried again today as I have tried so many times since the last heartstring that bound us severed. For a split-second, I got to hear your voice. For a split-second, I thought you would listen to mine. It was the longest pause yet…trust me, I know.
So, Ashton, I guess it’s another “Happy Birthday” sent off into the universe with all my love. Maybe it will find the world I’ve lost and help return it to me.
– Dad xoxo
i look, turn around, and see your face
then, it falls away like dust
like a living dream
not even yours in the first place
so, I keep walking along staring at the ground
trying harder to recall what’s left of the vision I have of you
only time has started to begin to fade the picture
even though my heart has a good memory
the beats are becoming too far between
those flashes no longer able to bring it back to life
no matter how much I love you
soon, i won’t be able to see you anymore
when you’re way out of focus
and completely lost from my heart
Like a bottle in a vast ocean…I’m drifting
further and further from your beautiful shore, I float
my body breaking against violent waves
which pull me far far from the horizon
alone, I wade, no one around to hear me
for the longest days…the darkest of nights,
Oh, how I’ve prayed to be rescued
pulled ashore only by your hand
chipped and weathered
most of me empty,
nothing left but a note
two words I’ve carried with me for so long
hoping someday my message would reach you
fall from your lips and into your broken heart
…I’m sorry
You deserve to rest. Even if only for a moment. Put down the weight you’re carrying. Let go of the need to keep it all together. Take off your warrior mask. For this moment, now … just breathe. – Jason Garner
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. – Aristotle
Earth To Ash 