Why Me?

Hey there everyone,

Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to go wrong? Well, for me that was yesterday and a Monday at that, it was a really bad day for me, where I wished that I never should have gotten out of bed.

I suffer from anxiety and when I have days like yesterday, it’s magnified a hundred times, it feels like my world is falling down around me. Over the years I have endured and trudged on and made my way through it as best I can, I’m not sure how many more times I can do it.

Fortunately, I have family and friends around me that care, they can see when I am not myself and try their best to make sure I’m OK. I become withdrawn, the smile escapes my face, I clam up, emotionless. I have come to realize that I have had this behavior for the majority of my life, it’s the way I’m wired I guess, broken from the start.

Depressing right?, I know, and this is not my typical type of post, a little out of my comfort zone but yesterday just threw me completely off, like the old cliché “Why me?” I couldn’t think, I couldn’t be myself, it felt as if some higher power was using a magnified glass to burn the trail before me, to make it that much more difficult, only for me. Cue my writing, and this post, it helps with getting stuff out of my head, out of my system, my poems for one is a regurgitation of my inner most deepest thoughts that once transcribed, only then I start to feel somewhat better. I don’t always like to show this side of me as, like a dark secret I keep it close to the chest.

I consider myself very resourceful, emotionally durable, and fixer of all things, but days like yesterday I just feel defeated…worn. Life is just one obstacle after the next, I get pass one hurdle only to have another emotional triathlon before me. One step forward and two steps back could literally be the title of the book of my life.

Now that I have forced you to a top of a building somewhere ready to jump, I leave you with this, I will get through it, I’ve always found a way. I just wanted to get my thought out there and maybe there’s some of you that can relate, maybe even going through something yourself. We have our ways to cope, to get pass tough times, whether it be talking with loved ones, finding strength in the church, or just having a strong-will, we get by. So listen to each other, help each other, and if you can be there for someone when they need it the most, then please do so.

I’ll be OK, now that I have processed yesterday I realize that today is a new one and it’s up to me to make this the best day I can possibly make it. People love me, I have home, a job, and no matter what life throws my way, I will make it to tomorrow.

Am I still?

Am I still…
a string of your heart?
Or does it lie frayed, too torn apart.
Seasoned now, but still we’re broken,
enough has always been, left unspoken.
See my light, I’ve been casting in hope,
I swear this absence has no cope.
Our detached strings will again accrete,
I won’t stop trying until I feel your beat.

Keep Content

Hey errbody,

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Just a shout out to my readers, haven’t done one yet and it’s about time I did. I want to say that without you, I wouldn’t be able to pursue a dream of mine, and that’s to write. Whoo deeep, no but seriously, it’s been nothing but positive feedback when it comes to my blog, I have to take a moment and sincerely thank you all.

One of the struggles with writing a blog is the “content”, how do you define yourself and your niche, how do you keep your reader “content”? I ask myself that all the time, do I specialize one way or the other or do I just wing it? I most likely have been doing a little of both, at the same time, and then some. That’s where you have come in, what your follows, likes, subscribes, and comments, have shown me is that you’re listening and you are enjoying my writing……awwwww.

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Look, this world is crazy as it is and in the middle of it all, you take tiny little increments out of your own lives just to check out Earth to Ash, you do it for me. It means a lot and it does nothing but motivate me to keep going, keeping posting and keep on moving forward. This is all new to me but one things for sure, I’m glad you’re in the trenches alongside with me.
Thanks again for being a repeat visitor, your viewership is greatly appreciated and I really really hope you have enjoyed my blog.

Stay tuned…

Oh, by the way, picture the earth in the first photo as me and the hands are you, get it….no….really?

Anyway…..You rock.

We were the Warriors

Indolent Saturdays poking things with sticks.
We ran the back hills of our home.
Three soldier foray, we flanked…pretending.
Skinned knees and eye pokes, no bother,
as we’d rather dare and tell more lies.

Two Legs and a Heartbeat.

Hello my loyal readers,

So after a 17k bike ride last Saturday, I was bound again on Sunday…only this time it was for a 12k walk. The sky had a hue of overcast but it was warm, perfect conditions actually, so I suited up, gave the bike a rest and headed out on foot. Again, I was blindly setting out to wherever my instincts lead me and as usual it wasn’t long before I had my phone out taking pictures.

You know, there’s something about a good walk, breathing in the fresh air with nothing but your own thoughts to keep you company. Just like the bike, walking was a huge part of my youth, we didn’t have a vehicle so if I needed to get anywhere I would have to get there using two legs and a heartbeat. Probably has a lot to do with how I am today, I would choose walking somewhere 9 chances out 10 if I could. Living in the city I kind of “have to” take the vehicle to get to certain places, but if its walk-able, I’m doing it.

At the foot of the hill I started to see civilization again, there wasn’t a lot of traffic, only Sunday drivers really and the odd dog walker. By the way, this hill was the same hill that I had to be careful with on Saturday, and trust me, it was a lot easier walking down that thing then biking it. Oh, I like to take a moment for this guy too, who looks like he was “shrewed” right from the start.

Sorry, the pun was right there….k….moving on. I paid my respects and made my way off down the trail which was nicely tucked away, relaxing, it was beautiful. I could hear the nearby river as it kept me company with its constant free-flowing, I decided to take out the headphones and take it all in, best playlist ever.

I could smell the harbor long before I could see it, the tinge of salty water reminded me of my days growing up. The gulls were squawking, flying low-level as they scoured the shore for anything that resembled food. Random fishing boats steamed through the harbor bidding adieu to the city, their engines putter-patter rhythmic, (insert homesickness here). It was a serene moment, picturesque as the city was once again settling down for cozy Sunday evening.

A little further down was my point of interest, probably should mention where I was planning to go, it was Fort Amherst. I went there by bike not long ago, promised myself I’d return but this time for a stroll. The views were unreal, bouts of nostalgia hit me as I eyeballed each little houses one by one, tucked away along the hillside full of character.

I also had to somehow pulled myself from the backdrop below, crazy how all this stuff is free, just got to get outside and discovery it for yourself.

Behold, in all its glory the lighthouse, finally I had made it. The walk that I had pictured that day on the bike proved to be quite the aesthetically pleasing amble, only at that very moment, looking our at the beautiful open ocean before me, I realized….now I have to walk back…lol.

Thanks for tagging along for my brisk Sunday walk, hope you enjoyed the pictures and you’re all welcomed back again for another glimpse of Earth to Ash.

Happy trails!!!!

Bike Rider Rides Again

Bike rider rides again, the air was fresh, I had a few hours before sunset and I was completely under-dressed, brrr it was cold at first. No excuses, I’ve neglected my bike for far too long lately, I couldn’t take it anymore, I was going no matter what. My sights were set on downtown, I felt like it was far enough for a good ride and close enough to pull the plug at any point. My first obstacle was going down this huge hill, I was not a fan, seeing loose gravel and the fact that I love my skin, I had to be extra careful. Alright, made it down the hill intact, off I go…first stop.

There were people everywhere, Saturday night meant everybody was slowly congregating to their local watering hole for a fun night out, there was so much energy, loads of activity.

The pic above is of a portion of a street by the name of George Street, this street holds the record for the most bars per capita in Canada. Spent many a night a patron of this multitudinous strip of firewater and ale, this street has loads of character, good times.

I all too soon realized that not only was I getting a good workout in, my trek was also proving to be a mental detox, I took a extra second to take a look at things, it replenishes the soul, I was glad I embraced my impulses.

I’ve said this all before but I will say it again, we need to slow things down and take it all in, don’t let life pass you by, get out there and reward yourself with the beauty of what’s around you. Scour the neighborhood and you’ll be surprise what you find.

I continued on, weaving from sidewalk to sidewalk, thinking about my next move. There was a destination that I had in mind, it was just right there, Signal Hill. Really Ash? What stood before me was a long and winding slope that would take everything I had left to bike my way to my own personal Everest(exaggeration but still). Fact is, I’ve actually never ridden up there before, I didn’t know what to expect, but I had come too far to turn around now…..gulp.

Well, the juice was worth the squeeze, no doubt, when half way to the top and I am blessed with the view pictured above. It was beautiful, could have stayed there all night but the end was nigh, I could taste it, no wait, that was a fly.

DSC_0049 (1).JPG Victory I tells ya, ah, sweet victory, I made it to the top, look at me now mom! Lol, no but really, it really paid off pushing myself at the the very end. It was a tough run but behold some of the views that awaited me, doesn’t this made it all worth it, and it was all free.

Oh, I even had the opportunity to meet this guy, there were a bunch of people around so I didn’t catch his name but he was quite photogenic.

It was great way to spend a Saturday evening and I hope you like the pictures, figured I’d share them so you can enjoy things through my eyes.

Until the next Bike Rider adventure….lol, maybe I should get a cape!!….I should.

Disturbed

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Ululating beasts disturb the rem of my fantasy.
I lie cowering from the tap, tap, tapping.
Scads of hurt chase sweet dreams into nightmares
…just this time don’t awaken me.

Weathered

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A haloed nimbus, like a surge, it comes on without forecast.
Emotions raw, cold, the flashes like lightning.
Still I have neither a hand to squeeze, nor an ear to my voice.
Nothings protected but my foolish promise to you.
Those furtive actions lie forever buried in the sands of time,
like your lifeless soul that erodes with the winds of change.

“They See Me Writing, They Hatin”

Hello all,

Awhile ago, I ran into a friend of mine, a close friend actually. I’m not sure where we were but we did the typical stop-n’-talk and it was great catching up. Well, it was ahhh, great until I mentioned I had a blog. I sometimes mention in conversation that I write, usually with close friends, family, and people I feel would be interested in hearing about it. Anyway, there we were, back and forth chatting when all of the sudden there was a segway right to my blog. As soon as the words had left my lips, this friend (I now use that loosely) kind of almost laughed out loud. I was immediately disheartened, there were a few retorts on the tip of my tongue but I took the high road and gestured to go on my way, but really….

It’s true, I was pretty put off by it, I was upset. I thought of this person as a real good friend, a supporter I had assumed, I guess I was wrong. That said, I wasn’t going to let that negative reaction deter me from writing and the more I thought if it, the more it just made me proud to be doing something that I love to do and something that I’ve been told makes a difference and that’s all that matters. I write for myself, well actually, now I also write for you my readers, so diss my writing…

Cue my point…

Don’t you ever let anyone or anything get in the way of doing what you love to do. No matter what it is, sports, music, dancing, anything that you feel is something you were born to do. It’s in your blood, it’s a part of you, a part of what makes you so unique, so never let go of it. Shame on those who try to get in our way because you know what? It only makes us stronger, more disciplined, and more determined to prove all the haters wrong. Remember, for every hater there are a hundred supporters that will high-five you all the way. Brush all that off and keep moving forward, you work hard and you deserve all the praise in the world for giving it your 110% all day, everyday.

So I leave you with this, never hold back, never ever quit, and always be the best you, you can possibly be!

I Will Remember You

Pop Smart

Hey all,

Just wanted to post something a little close to the chest today, it’s another birthday of my Grandfather whose passed on and a few years ago I put together this little video in his memory. I did so for my family, to give them something they could enjoy, sure, there were probably a lot of tears shed when they viewed it but I thought sometimes we can all use a good cry to get those feelings out. As you may interpret from some of my poems, I have lost a few people that are near and dear to my heart. It has not been an easy journey moving on without them, but I feel that expressing myself through writing has helped me with my process of healing so I decided to share.

It’s not easy losing someone, it’s something that we at most times are never prepared for. It’s not until you go through it yourself that we finally understand that our time on this planet is very short and we must utilize every second we can to show our family and friends how much they truly mean to us. Nobody is perfect and we all have areas of our life that we can maybe improve on and our relationships are no different, especially family, relatives are forever bound by blood but it’s true that sometimes we forget what matters in our hectic lives because somewhere along the line we lost our way.

I am guilty of the above, I have relationships that have deteriorated, gone astray that keep me up at night, another part of life I guess. I think about it all the time and I feel sometimes like it was something that I did, sometimes I pass the blame on to the other, none of those examples are 100% true, forget about the blame and just make it better.

Days like today I put my life in perspective and realize that there are those that have gone before me that I wish every day that they could come back, even for just a moment. But I have to realize as well that there are people that I love that are right next to me or only a phone call away, so what’s stopping me?

Give your kids a hug, kiss your spouse, call your mom and have a beer with the buddy because today we have while tomorrow, who knows?

Miss ya Pops

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