
I am surrounded
in a life so full of love
why am I alone?
"A collection of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions, to the world around me"

I am surrounded
in a life so full of love
why am I alone?

Screw the cab, it’s nice out, and I’m walking. Ah, the Christmas Eve Night walk home. This memory is further to the first snowfall entry I posted a few days ago in terms of the atmosphere it creates. A single awesome holiday mini-tradition that we tend to forget about. You don’t realize how Christmassy it is until you’re there in the moment. If you ask me, there’s no better backdrop to a beautiful Christmas than ending it with a brisk cool clean air walk home. Alone, or with a special loved one. Either way, it creates a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. You’re Christmas so far has been nothing but food, drinks, music, friends, and your loving family. Annnnd, the best part. Well, the best part was Santa still had to swing by the old house to drop off the gifts. Score. Oh, and turkey tomorrow…oh my God, Mmmmm, nan’s turkey!!!
Yes, I remember those nights when I close my eyes. How the stars always had the right amount of glow to them. Enough to guide you home. I loved how the streets had just fallen snow that sparkled in the light and covered the whole road. The only imperfection was a single set of tire tracks that belonged to that one taxi that was still making passenger runs. I can still see those super big snowflakes as they fall sideways against the shine of the streetlight as I pass the last stretch toward home. By that time all I could think of was how comfy my bed was going to be.
Those chilled-to-the-bone but warm-to-the-heart walks home are still very vivid in my memory. No matter if it’s twenty years ago or just last year, I love a good stroll on Christmas Eve Night. Because in the end, there’s snow place like home and I’m going to jingle all the way.
Until…

Distance between us feels like dementia of my heart . It still beats, but it’s getting harder to remember what makes it. – Dad

I’m sorry you were alone when the faces drifted away.
When your days got stolen and good nights emptied.
Just a vessel that you God, abandoned.
Someone who gave up her soul before she was given one.
Where were you when she asked to remember?
Why did you punish her when all she did was repeat your name in prayer?
Lord, her story deserved a better ending.
At least, you could have allowed her to say goodbye to her favourite characters.
But, I bet she forgave you too, after paying a toll at the gate.
Not for herself…
…for me.

Like a flower starving
I long for your light
a drop of you
replenish me
or…
leave me to wilt

It was as midnight as midnight could be
that late, dogs cried at the moon
all the way down
as I followed you
straight to an early grave
not once knowing
ignorant, childish, wishing for my own home
we shared nothing
no words, not a glance, not even…presence
only fading footsteps in the rain
before you went to a place you felt you had to
regret I held in a subtle hello
maybe I would have turned it off
stood a final chance
and shooed the voice away from you
but
when lady death came teasing your ear?
there was no way I, me…
someone who would just threaten a made up mind
compete that night
with deathly songs of teenage tragedy
singing you toward an infinite dark
by the tune of your own broken heart
stealing any lust left for tomorrow
then
I watched
as you walked toward the Bluest Oyster
never to see you again

Adults follow paths. Children explore. – Neil Gaiman

Children make you want to start life over. – Muhammad Ali