What’s My Name Again?

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Hear ye, hear ye,

This meeting is now in order, who wants to go first? OK I’ll start, “Hello everybody, my name is Ashley Douglas and I am in fact a guy”. I’ve had this post tucked away as a draft when something today pushed me to finally post it. I went to my pharmacy a few weeks ago to fill a prescription, the script was going to be awhile so I decided to stick around and browse the store. I went up and down the aisles wasting time, having a look at this, picking up that, taking it all in. Finally, after grabbing a few items and figuring enough time had lapsed, I went to the cash to pay. I laid my items on the counter and proceeded to hand the clerk my store discount card, she took a quick look at the back of the card, back up to me, back to the card, now me again. Then, she hit me with it. She casually looked up with a smile and asked “Excuse me sir, you wouldn’t happen to have a card that has your name on it would you?”.
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Yesss, yeah…yup, I am still getting the mix-up to this day, no biggie though, I’m used to it, it’s become quite the conversation piece over the years for sure. Most times, I usually respond with “why yes, the operation was a complete success”, and more often than not, it ends with a chuckle. My name is Ashley but I go by Ash, I like it better, pretty much everyone calls me that anyway, and it kind of puts a more masculine spin on the name, in theory. It’s true, I have gone to the doctor and literally had a receptionist call my name whilst looking over my shoulder as I am walking straight for her trying to make eye contact. It’s hilarious, you wouldn’t believe some of the predicaments I find myself in with this name of mine.

Like I was saying, I posted this because just today, I received correspondence at work that was addressed to Ms. Douglas and it reminded me of the pharmacy. Then it got me thinking about all the other guys that suffer the same fate with names. Sorry Terry, I feel your pain Stacey, and Lesley…right back at ya man. So many unisex names I should definitely start a support group. Oh and a shout out to you women, same drill I imagine with some of your names. All that said, and if given the chance, I still would never change my name, not for anything. I give my name a lot of slack, but deep down, I love it, it makes me, me. Have you ever been told by a parent of a name they also thought of, not you right? Sounds weird, and it just doesn’t seem to fit.

In the end, I will continue to get the odd Ms. on a letter, I will continue to get asked “is that your real name” and I will still continue to get a huge assortment of beauty samples in the mail-yes, that too. All this is bound to continue to happen when it comes to my name, it’s funny you know, how all of that can make something so unique out something so common.

At the end of the day, I’ll take a little unique.

 

Feel that Draft?

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Hey there,
It’s Tuesday, I’m sitting here on my lunch hour from work, listening to Mulgrid Miller, feeling all posty. The only thing is, I got nothing, nada, zilch, I’m blocked, just staring at a blinking cursor and a slew of material sitting dormant in my drafts. My mind has been mush for a few days now, nothings been firing and I’m caught in a bit of a funk. I have been struggling with my creativity from a poetry perspective as well, comes with the territory and I hate it. Lately, I’ve been primed and ready to change the world only to fall into some YouTube wormhole or slap my laptop closed after immediately becoming void of thought.

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I’m literally doing the same thing in the above picture right now. Some time ago I wrote about the importance of just writing, my post Just Write was basically a way for me to get through a similar stint of writers’ block, so after taking a look at my drafts I realize that I have so many thoughts that still sit stagnate, still not posted. I know, I know, writing about not writing is cheating but hey, don’t hate me for just going with it.
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I read a post yesterday by J. A. Allen that talked about how hard it is to fit writing into your everyday lifestyle. She wrote about the fact that she has a full-time job, kids, and loads of other responsibilities that take precedence over her writing. Her post kind of resonated with me and my own struggle with fitting writing into my everyday. It’s hard, it’s a challenge indeed, then, when you finally get an opportunity to write, boom, you hit a wall.
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For me, it all starts with a draft, it starts with that initial thought that hits me. Sometimes I know right away that I am on to something, other times though, there’s something just not right about it. I need to “feel that draft”.  I’m sure my writer friends can relate, I bet there’s a draft that’s sitting there right now that never seems to be good enough to let go of, am I correct? Are you like me? Like an elementary kid unveiling a class project, twisting my foot looking down at the ground before I feel its good enough to say goodbye to.
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It’s all part of the process of writing I guess, I started this post staring aimlessly at a bunch of unfinished thoughts, now because of that I got something out of me, something posted. I hope that I keep the momentum going, just hitting the publish button was gratifying in itself knowing that I am slowly shaking off this fog. What’s important is that I don’t stop, just keep on keeping on, I hope that just like that post that I read from J. A. Allen, Split Ends and House Flies, you will find some sort of inspiration and realize that those thoughts that have taken up what looks like permanent residency in your drafts could be for you, that next great post. Take another look, go on, maybe this time you’ll feel that draft.
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“They See Me Writing, They Hatin”

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Hello all,

Awhile ago, I ran into a friend of mine, a close friend actually. I’m not sure where we were but we did the typical stop-n’-talk and it was great catching up. Well, it was ahhh, great until I mentioned I had a blog. I sometimes mention in conversation that I write, usually with close friends, family, and people I feel would be interested in hearing about it. Anyway, there we were, back and forth chatting when all of the sudden there was a segway right to my blog. As soon as the words had left my lips, this friend (I now use that loosely) kind of almost laughed out loud. I was immediately disheartened, there were a few retorts on the tip of my tongue but I took the high road and gestured to go on my way, but really….

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It’s true, I was pretty put off by it, I was upset. I thought of this person as a real good friend, a supporter I had assumed, I guess I was wrong. That said, I wasn’t going to let that negative reaction deter me from writing and the more I thought if it, the more it just made me proud to be doing something that I love to do and something that I’ve been told makes a difference and that’s all that matters. I write for myself, well actually, now I also write for you my readers, so diss my writing…

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Cue my point…

Don’t you ever let anyone or anything get in the way of doing what you love to do. No matter what it is, sports, music, dancing, anything that you feel is something you were born to do. It’s in your blood, it’s a part of you, a part of what makes you so unique, so never let go of it. Shame on those who try to get in our way because you know what? It only makes us stronger, more disciplined, and more determined to prove all the haters wrong. Remember, for every hater there are a hundred supporters that will high-five you all the way. Brush all that off and keep moving forward, you work hard and you deserve all the praise in the world for giving it your 110% all day, everyday.

So I leave you with this, never hold back, never ever quit, and always be the best you, you can possibly be!

Just Write

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I’m sitting here in a coffee shop, slamming back caffeine, trying to get my creative juices flowing, it’s not going so well.  I mean there’s Jazz playing in the background, I’m sitting in a cozy chair and it’s just me and my keyboard, what more do I need? My only motivation came from reading another blog earlier that mentioned “a blank page won’t write itself”, it was only then I started hitting keys.  Thing is, I overthink my writing a lot which is my achilles heel, it sometimes holds me back from just making an entry.  I mean I started this blog to share my thoughts, feelings, and reactions, to the world around me so why not just do that? I have it built up in my head that it has to be this refined, polished, and well thought out post which holds me back. I know, I know, foolish to think that way but it’s honestly the way I am.

We all draw upon our own inspiration and as a blogger, my next post is always my main focus just as soon as I hit publish on the one before it, anyone out there relate? Thought I’d, mention that the blogs that I follow are one way I like to stay motivated, their creativity, their output, and the fact that they all have their own niche is what drives me to keep going, thanks for that.

I’m glad there’s a community of writers that choose to share their talent, it’s awesome in general that people continue to do what they love and are also brave enough to release it to the world, it’s not easy. Don’t let anything get in the way of sharing the real you, life as you see it, it’s a shame to deny everybody that.

I’m going to continue to do my thing and write, no matter what about, no matter why, I’m going to “just write”.

P.s. You matter…

 

One Ray of Sun

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Just one ray of sun can melt it all away,
make it right, make it ok.

Embrace like before with meaning and feel,
something I forgot was actually once real.

The static between can easily be gone,
takes simply understanding, not brains nor brawn.

Bring it back from where we left it in the dark.
Let’s let all the light in, all I need is your heart.

Versatile Blogger Award

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There is no bigger compliment than receiving acknowledgment from fellow writers.  The Ink Owl has nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award which I am so appreciative of and I hold this nomination in the highest regard-Thanks.  Please head on over and check out The Ink Owl to discover his contributions of fiction, fantasy, and real life.
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The Streets are Paved in Cold

I watched a movie earlier tonight, “Cardboard Boxer”, not bad of a film.  It starred Thomas Hayden Church and Terrance Howard, and it focused on the homeless.  Watching the main character Thomas Hayden Church fight adversity and survive his way through day to day life on the streets got me thinking.  A few nights ago I went for a walk and later wrote about it, I blogged about how cold it was and how much I hated winter.  It’s true, I was just “vent writing” and emoting my true frustration with how I felt about the dark days of winter.  No question about it, that night was cold, sooo cold, it was bitter and there was snow everywhere I looked.  As I walked along my body was in a full contraction from the brisk night air, I couldn’t help but think about how people who live on the streets do it.  Imagine having no place to go and having to try to find somewhere warm to sleep every night of your life, not only that you have to feed yourself too.

We witness this all the time, we pass by the usual suspects every day on our lunch breaks that give us their best pitch Monday through Friday to score just a little bit of change.  As soon as that interaction of just a quick yes or no is over, you move on with your life.  We go back to discussing what plans we have for the weekend or how good our workout was that day, the question of where you were sleeping tonight never entered your thoughts.  That night as I walked I thought about it a lot, I was freezing, yes I was wimping out a bit too but I was content knowing I had a warm home to return to.  I asked myself what I would do, what would be my gut instinct, could I be capable of the lasting a night like that on the street?  Probably not, but it humbled me knowing how fortunate I was and how my problems just don’t seem as important anymore.  I look out the window and I see a driveway that needs to be shoveled or I see a hinderance to my morning commute, I can’t appreciate the challenges they must endure each and every day battling mother nature.

The next time you pass by someone who could use some help, do so, give them a chance.  Yes, I know, how can you be sure where the money is going?  So many questions rush through your mind during that microtransaction, it’s milliseconds, we are quick to judge.  We can stand there all day morally debating if we should but we already know the answer to that question.  How much do we waste each day on the simplest of pleasures that we enjoy, ask yourself again, can you afford to give?  I bet the answer is yes, we just try to find answers for saying no, like we have something to prove.  We honestly don’t know where we will find ourselves in life, there are peaks and valleys in every dynamic.

That night made me realize that sometimes I do take life for granted and I do have it good but sometimes I think otherwise.  I have a roof over my head, a job that I go to from week to week and a family that love and care for me.  Appreciate the fact that you have cable and that the internet exists, a trip to the store takes 5 minutes by car, we got it pretty good.  Give of yourself, help out at a soup kitchen, donate your used clothing, do whatever you can because at the end of the day if you give back to the people that need it the most it can slowly become the only change they might need.

“Hold Me Clothes and Never Let Go”

I’m not sure why but the other day I thought about this jacket that I use to wear all the time when I was in my twenties, it was brown leather with a seventies style to it, very Donnie Brascoish.  I swear it felt like it was made specifically just for me, I loved it and only got rid of it a couple of years ago.  A brief history about this coat, back in the day my best friend Danny and I would visit the local thrift store on a weekly basis, it was a part of our roommate routine.  We’d both spend hours combing through old vintage clothing hoping to score some new digs, well…new to us at least.  Sifting through racks upon racks meticulously choosing what we liked, there were some hits and even more misses, the harder we looked the more gems we’d find.   One day we were both determined to score what we thought was the pinnacle of all university student thrift shopping and that was the “vintage jacket”.  It was our main objective and it wasn’t going to be easy because at the time retro jackets were a trend (we totally started it by the way).  After trying on what seemed to be every jacket they had for sale and on the verge of giving up there it was, in perfect condition, not a blemish on it and even had all the buttons still intact.  I quickly called dibs and as soon as I put the coat on I knew it was mine, fit like a glove in a very jackety way, best find ever.

(Crazy fact about the coat is that in the inside pocket there was a movie ticket stub that was issued in 1977, the same year as I was born and only 10 days off my birthday.)

Like I mentioned it was just a couple of years ago that I had to say goodbye to the old potential heirloom for it could not just hang there anymore serving no purpose.  Finally the jacket had run its course for any need that I had for it,…it was a very sad day, I said goodbye to an old friend.   I relinquished it back to the realm of thrift store purgatory where someday it might catch the eye of another retro jacket connoisseur and give someone else as much use as it did me.  That coat saw me through some of the best years of my life and when I think about it, it brings back a slew of memories.  I held on to it for as long as I could, I’d try to convince myself over and over that someday I would wear it again, someday, no seriously it still fit.  Who was I kidding?   The jacket made me look like a baby in a two sizes too small sleeper, I was clearly in denial, after a few moments alone with the coat I said a few words and placed the jacket in the goodwill bag then ran to my room crying.  No I didn’t cry, well maybe a little, it was dusty in the room.  No I was actually very happy that I donated the jacket back to where I had gotten it from some years ago, it had gone full circle and who knows where it might turn up next.

I bet as you’re reading this you too can recall some item of clothing that you held on to maybe a smidge too long and well past its closet expiry date.  I remember pairs of sneakers where my pinky toe holes gave away the colour of my socks and ball caps having sweat stain rings but it didn’t matter because of the perfect curved peek.  Looking back at my jacket, that cap and those shoes, it kind of, in a way acts like a synthetic journal quickly flashing up thoughts and memories which are forever attached to them.  There are chapters of my life that can be chronologically profiled with the help of some of my wardrobe, stages of my life that can be cat-walked down a ramp as my voice narrates in the background.  If you were to look through your closet now, is there anything that you just can’t throw away?  Are there items that have stood the test of time because you couldn’t bare parting ways with it or maybe the emotional attachment that it may hold?

Clothing can carry sentimental value for some of us, I still have to this day a dress shirt, t-shirt and suspenders combo that my grandfather use to wear.  It hangs in my closet and from time to time when I’m digging out something on a daily basis to wear I pass it on the hanger and instantly start to think about him.  My grandfather must have had twenty of the same combination of that dress shirt, t-shirt, and suspenders trifecta.  He certainly loved to rock the flannel, and  when I pass by it at the end of my shirt rack each morning I’m glad in this case I held on to the past.  I kept my grandfather’s ensemble because when I look at it, it makes me happy and when I think of him that’s how I picture him and he’s rocking the flannel as only he could.  We get these emotional attachments to the clothes that we wear because quite frankly and as funny as it may seem the clothes has been there with us the whole way.  That one suit we had straight out of college that helped us make it to interview after interview, that dress that has seen itself go from maid of honour duties to a night on the town, how something as simple as what we wore on a certain day can have so many emotions attached to it.

Emotions are one thing but people also care about their identity when we decide to put something on.  Clothing can also become synonymous with who we are, I knew a guy in high school who always wore a ball cap and he just became known for the cap, then there was the parachute pants girl, turtleneck guy…the list goes on.   I’m sure most of you can remember someone based solely on some item of clothing that they wore all the time or maybe there’s someone who you know now.  I was briefly known in political science class as the guy in the green puffy vest, yes I said “puffy”…moment of silence for the  90’s puffy vests .  Ok let’s forget the puffy green vest but my point is that certain clothing can define who we are or who we were.  I grew up playing sports and every time I put on a jersey as a kid it felt like something I would be doing for the rest of my life.   That phase came and went just as many did after, but when I see a jersey now or even get to try one on it takes me right back to the good ol’ high school days where sports consumed my life.  If you take a look at who you are today as compared to whom you were there may be similarities and I’m positive a lot of differences.  How has you’re style changed?  Has it changed at all?  Were you once a t-shirt and jeans guy and now it’s nothing only suits or maybe you’re a girl who wore nothing but black in college but now anything else is the new black.

I hope I was able to make you think a little bit with this post, sometimes when I think about something stuff just pours out.  The jacket meant a lot to me sure, but realistically it was more like a time capsule that took me right back to then and there.  So trust me, go through that closet or clean out your dressers, there may be some stories waiting for you to recreate all over again.  That coat that I bought and the day we spent at the thrift store was a day I will never forget, and a memory like that will always be worth more than the clothes on my back.

 

Excuse Me, Sir?

I’m pretty much like a lot of people when it comes to getting older and  what I mean is, we all see ourselves as being slightly younger than we actually are.  I still see myself as a young guy in my twenties, my loved ones tell me I haven’t aged a bit and most people who know me and get to interact with me on a daily basis would consider me a 12 year old stuck in an adults body so my going theme is youngish right?  Well, the other day I was at Chapters having a look around  perusing a few books trying to score a good read.  I wandered around spending a little time in some of my go-to sections when I finally came across a book that I was satisfied with, American Gods by Neil Gaiman, currently reading it and I got say I like it alot.  Once my purchase was complete I started away from  the counter when I heard “Excuse me, Sir?”    I paid no mind and continued on when all of the sudden I heard it again but this time louder, ok so that made me turn around in curiosity.

    Yup!…it was directed at me, I had left my keys at the sales counter and this employee was trying to get my attention to return them to me.  So the “sirs” were all for me, lol, it was a funny moment, I thanked him for the gesture and made my way out the door to my car.  I turned the key and sat there for a second, I couldn’t help but to start to think about what had just happened, it was the first time that I had be called sir or at least the first time it kind of resonated the way that it did.  As I said I still think that I am in my twenties, so getting the sir was like a kick to the shin.  It did surprise me a bit hearing it but I’m glad that it happened because it got me thinking and since then I’ve been recalling some great memories.  I’m not sure what it was but it just created this moment of thought for me where I just started to really take in account that I’ve got some years punched, lol.

    My daughter was out the other night, she had asked me to help her with her university project.  (I’m writing whole post about it) The reason I mention my daughter is that its when I am with her that I feel my age, I look at her in disbelief that it has been eighteen years already that she’s been alive, poof just like that.  Seeing her go through her stages of life is surreal, experiencing all the same things as I did.  I take a step back sometimes and ask myself how was I capable of creating such a smart beautiful young lady like my daughter before me and why doesn’t she stop growing up.

    I’ll be forty next April (ouch) and trust me there are days that I do feel the milage on my body but I do my best to try to stay as in shape as I can which helps me maintain a healthy living.  Staying active is a very good way to stay young, physical activity can take years off your life and no matter what the age anyone can do it.  Want to feel good about yourself and get on Father Time’s good side well I suggest working out, that can mean anything at all that works up a sweat and gets the ol’ heart rate going.

    Age is certainly just a number and we mustn’t allow ourselves to get too consumed with the fact that we all must grow old.  Celebrities are the most notorious for trying to set the clock back or maybe just hit pause for the sake of their careers but it usually just ends up looking very apparent that they have gotten a little lift or a pull maybe a nip or a tuck.  In my opinion I take more notice to the work that they had done rather than what they were trying to correct.  To each their own and c’est la vie, people will continue to chase the fountain of youth but unfortunately we will all die trying.  Life is relatively short and the chapters  of our lives (not the literal Chapters I was buying my book) go by so quickly it takes moments like the one that happened to me to make you stop, slow down and realize where we are with our lives.  We may all be in different stage of our lives but look at how far you have come, what you have accomplished, experienced and how much you have grown as a person.  Think about the people that you love and the relationships you get to spend every day with, time is what gives us that, take your time.

    “When you get older the months will feel like weeks and the years will escape you so take stock of what makes you happy and surround yourself with it”.  – Theresa Douglas

    Being called sir for that moment is not something that I took to heart and I certainly won’t lose any sleep over it but it was a reminder that I am getting older.  I do need to take stock of what makes me happy and so should you, we all need to celebrate the years we have been alive and the years that are to come.  Don’t be someone who lets time slip away, make sure you use that time for its intended purpose and that’s doing the things and loving the people that make us happy.  We can sit there  and wonder where all the time as gone but believe it or not its been there all along we just need to take advantage of it.